Dear Dáithí: Work whip-arounds are endless. Am I being stingy if I don’t contribute?

'I don't want to not contribute and earn a reputation for being tight, but I feel it's getting excessive.'

Dear Dáithí,

Am I being stingy by not wanting to contribute to every whip-around at work? Like a lot of other people, I’m finding things tighter than I would like. I’m careful with money and follow a budget every month to make sure there’s enough there for all the bills etc. I leave a bit of money for miscellaneous bits and socialising. 

I would always contribute at work if there was a whip-around for someone for a special occasion, like a wedding/baby/retirement. But lately, there are just a lot more of these.

A culture has built up of doing a collection for birthdays too — the ask isn’t huge, but not a month goes by where I’m not contributing to cards, sometimes for people I really don’t even know. This all comes out of my fund for socialising/miscellaneous. 

I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling the pinch and while I’m happy to contribute to the big things, birthdays feel like a stretch. I don’t want to not contribute and earn a reputation for being tight, but I feel it’s getting excessive. 

Do I just get on with it through gritted teeth, or can I put a stop to the collections without annoying anyone?

Whip-arounds are something I’ve always disliked, and not for the reason you might think.

The reason I don’t like them is because of the people who were looking for the whip-around, nothing to do with the person who would eventually receive the gift. 

I know this is a very broad stroke, but I think the people who look for this are all cut from the same cloth, well a lot of them anyway, and one of the main reasons why they go about this is for themselves, and so they can look good in front of others and can get a pat on the back for doing it.

I’m not talking about someone who is doing something special for a colleague who has given 50 years’ service, but the people who are just like you described — looking for something for every single occasion — birthdays, anniversaries, getting the car washed, where does it stop?!

And by the way, if the right person does this whip-around, they will know who to ask for a contribution and know younger people and people who don’t really know the recipient don’t have to give anything. That is why if the wrong person is in charge of it, it can be very unfair to people like yourself.

There is only one way to put a stop to it!

As you say, if this happened once a year or twice, you wouldn’t really mind, but when they come hot, thick and fast it becomes a problem, especially these days as we are in a cost-of-living crisis.

People really need to take this into consideration and when they don’t, it is no harm to remind them and that it might be fine for them, but not for you. I would have no problem at all saying this to them; the vast majority of them will understand, and the person who doesn’t can just get lost. You don’t have to be rude or forceful about it and there is especially no need to feel embarrassed, these are just the facts.

The real thing here in my mind is that you don’t want to be wasting your hard-earned money on people you don’t really know. Lord God, life is tough enough. It’s hard to pay the rent and the bills and to have a few bobs for yourself. Like, if you put yourself in ‘the retiree's’ shoes, would you be sad if the young people didn’t have the money to add to your going-away gift? Not at all, you would totally understand because you would have been that soldier.

You do seem to be very organised with your money. I never had any fund for anything and when I read about your socialising/miscellaneous fund, I was intrigued. If you go to the bother of having such a fund, you should mind it and not spend it on foolish things like a work whip-around!

I want to go back to the start of your letter about whether people will think you’re stingy if you don’t cough up. The real question is, do you really care? You shouldn’t care one bit about what people think of you in this regard.

The main thing for me is that you are a good person and work hard, and that’s all they should be looking for. It is up to you to say, look I’m a bit skint this month, or you could be honest and say, I don’t really know the person at all. Don’t feel one bit bad about it.

Now, if there is a whip-around for someone who has helped you with a few things and someone who is really nice and you haven’t been asked to contribute to previously, I wouldn’t be drawing the whip-arounders on you. You could always go out and get the person something nice from you and then you would be dancing to the beat of your own drum.

The word would probably go around and then any whispers of you being stingy, that’s if you really care, would be gone.

This is not about them; it’s about you and you being in control and not letting others make you feel bad about something that has nothing to do with you. Don’t be that person who gives away everything to please others so people will think you’re nice, they won’t see it like that, they’ll think you’re an easy target and then they’ll be calling you things.

Now, that’s it. I don’t want you to think about this anymore. You’re going to knock this on the head the next time it comes around, and that will be that. The most important thing here is not to give a crap what others think of you; they’ll think what they want anyway!