Gen Z Diary: We’re not calculating our protein and fibre intake like mad scientists

Jane Cowan: 'Maybe I’m not moving in the right circles to hear about these things, but I think the number truly is fewer than people would have you believe.'

I sit down, funnelling electrolytes into myself like they’re going out of fashion.

One of my friends dips pancakes into a jar of Nutella, getting the most important meal of the day rolling. Another friend vapes while asking for someone to give him a tutorial on rolling your own cigarettes. Another is nonverbal and totally still, not daring to provoke her gag reflex by any sudden movement.

The rest of the group has not quite made it to the vertical stage of the day yet, still hoping that if they keep their eyes closed, their pounding head might go away. Next on the agenda would be a trip to a deli for sausage rolls and Lucozade, for the brave soldiers in the group that can handle that kind of thing on a hangover.

When I think of how people my age socialise, this is a fairly average image of what that looks like.

People love to talk about how health-conscious young folk are these days. And there’s something deeply comical about hearing that talk, and knowing what the reality is on the ground. 

People say that young people don’t drink alcohol anymore because we’re too busy training for Hyrox and meditating or whatever it is. Sure, maybe that’s the case with some young people. 

That’s the problem with all of these journalists that talk about ‘young people’ as this monolithic creature. As if we don’t have different interests and lead individual lives and all that good stuff.

With that in mind, allow me to talk about why I don’t think young people care about their health. And no, I don’t want you to point out the flaws in my argument. If you want philosophy, pick up some Walter Benjamin. That’s not my job.

In an ideal situation, the first piece of evidence I would submit in support of this argument would be the liver of an average university student, maybe one studying medicine if I wanted to make a particularly strong case for the alcohol consumption habits of young people.

But the next best thing is to watch young people buy alcohol before attending a pre-drinks with their friends. Suddenly, everyone’s a professional, and they think they’ve got to approach a pre-drink like there will be no alcohol in the club later on.

Jane Cowan: 'For the people that think we’re calculating our protein and fibre intake like mad scientists? I would like to introduce you to Coco Pops, cheese toasties, and acai bowls smothered in Nutella.'

Once inside the club, my next piece of evidence would be someone realising the vape vending machine on the dance floor is out of order. The absolute fear that will come over any young person the second they notice they’re about to finish their vape, without immediate access to a new one, is honestly concerning.

They’ll resort to a sort of primal state where they will desperately seek out the nearest person who can keep them in strawberry-flavoured air for the next five minutes until they get to a shop.

I wish I was joking.

For the people that think we’re calculating our protein and fibre intake like mad scientists? I would like to introduce you to Coco Pops, cheese toasties, and acai bowls smothered in Nutella: The true cuisine of your early 20s. Not a macro-balanced bowl of chicken and broccoli, sorry.

Admittedly, our behaviour can be a bit misleading. The dedication of Gen Z women to SPF 50 on their face and neck would have you believe we’re all taking our skin health very seriously. They’re not wrong that we’re all obsessed with sun protection. 

Nothing will cause my friends and I to jump into action like the very suspicion of sunlight hitting our bare skin. I’d sooner leave the house without showering than without putting sun cream on my face and neck, if I’m honest. It’s borderline pathological.

So, I see where people get this mixed up. But the obsession with sun cream is all about aesthetics. We’ve just fallen victim to the influencer propaganda that wrinkles are a sort of moral failing, and we should be ashamed that we didn’t have a sun cream regime in time for our christening.

And as for the claim that we’re all obsessed with Hyrox training? Maybe I’m not moving in the right circles to hear about these things, but I think the number truly is fewer than people would have you believe. 

As far as I’m concerned, that’s really only something people get into once they hit 26 or so. I like to think I’ve got a few good years left before I resort to such desperate measures.

I don’t know. But I am a self-professed authority on all things youth. Do with that what you will.