Dear Dáithí: Teenage son has his first boyfriend... but the other guy's mother is being kept in the dark

It's an awkward situation, as I know this woman well, so do I tell her about the relationship?

'The fact that his boyfriend hasn't come out to his family is nothing to do with you, this is his story to tell and nobody else's,' says Dáithí. File picture

Dear Dáithí,

About 18 months ago, our teenage son told us that he thought he might be gay, and he recently came out to his wider circle. He had been worried about how people might react initially, and I think he was surprised that it wasn’t a big deal.

He has very recently started dating a guy from his school. They’ve known each other a long time, and I’m really happy for him.

I’d know this teen’s mum quite well — we’d meet up socially and see each other at various activities/events.

Now, my son has told me not to tell his boyfriend’s mum that they are seeing each other. His boyfriend hasn’t told his family he is gay.

I feel a bit awkward — I know it’s up to her son to tell his parents about who he is or isn’t seeing, but I’m also conscious that by me not saying anything, that could be seen as me not telling the truth.

This woman knows my son has come out, and I’m worried about how I’d react if she asked me if he was seeing anyone.

What should I do?

I think if you had had that conversation with your son 20 years ago, maybe an older generation would be worried about what the neighbours think, but thankfully that day has gone.

That said, I know it’s not always that simple, but I do believe things have improved a lot.

Having spoken to people who have come out as gay, it might be the biggest mountain they have climbed up until that point in their lives, it’s a big moment, and it worries them what kind of a reaction they will get from family and friends, and then the wider community.

The ‘mom and dad’ chat might be the biggest; but as we all know, moms and dads are no fools, and will often know what is coming before the words are spoken.

Even the way your son said he ‘might’ be gay will tell you how hard it was for him to say it to you. What they don’t understand is that if they’re happy and healthy, the same moms and dads are happy too!

So, your son has met someone and you’re delighted for him; this is great, and this too is where you need to stop. Anything outside your son’s happiness is nothing really to do with you.

The fact that his boyfriend hasn’t come out to his family is nothing to do with you, this is his story to tell and nobody else’s, and nobody else can be pissed off with you for not telling them — even his mother. I know you both are friends, but no, there is a very clear line here, and you’re not to cross it.

You can certainly have the conversation with your son’s boyfriend and say that he should tell his family when he is ready to tell them, and that it’s important to tell them before they hear it from someone else. I just think it’s better for this to come from him in his own words.

It’s only fair on his parents too, when the news breaks — not that people really care these days, but they need to be prepared for the conversation about it; not prepared in a defensive way, but in a social way, because this will be all new to them!

The thing is — this will eventually get out, and you probably will be asked if you knew, and you will have to tell the truth and say yes!

And don’t be afraid of it; this is where you need to own it. It wasn’t your story to tell.

I would tell this boy’s mother that you had the conversation with her son about the story coming from him. Tell her you have experience in this field, and that you were happy to hear it from your son first and not from anyone else. This is a good reason, and it’s the truth too.

She might be upset, as emotions will be high for a while, but the temperature will lower in time. Just give her the time for it to settle in.

In one sense, you both are in the same boat and might need each other going forward, no matter what happens with the two lads.

Whether your child is in a gay relationship or not, the same rules apply. As parents, all we need to do is worry about our own — that doesn’t mean we don’t care about the other person, it means we put our own first and that’s the natural thing to do, and that’s the same in any situation.

Don’t worry about what people will say either, the same people will always have something to say, whether it’s a gay relationship or not.

Pay no heed, because if they don’t have a problem with one thing, they’ll find another; they’ll have a problem for every solution.

This is a reflection on them and the way they see the world, and nobody else. Your main focus here is that your son is happy, in a relationship with someone he loves, and is loved back and respected, and in all of that you should find solace.

I always say control what you can control, and that’s it. What you see here as the problem is not in your hands.

You have a good reason not to tell your friend, and you asked me straight out what you should do, and my answer is very clear.

When I read your letter at first, I thought my answer would be more complex, but the more I thought of it, it’s simple — it’s not your story, and when you see this through the eyes of your son’s boyfriend, that is very clear!