Joanna Fortune: I want to bring my mother on holidays with us but my husband doesn't agree

Clear boundaries are an important step to managing expectations among family

Joanna Fortune: I would suggest you and your husband set aside some time together and talk this through without any other distractions Picture: iStock

We’re going abroad on holiday and I’d like my mother to join us to help with the childcare. She’s great fun and the children love her. The trouble is that my husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea, as he wants us to have a quiet family holiday. But I know from previous experience that we won’t get a break without additional babysitting support. I appreciate it’s easier for me because she’s my mum but I wish my husband could see the benefits. What would you suggest?

Going on holiday with family members is great and can be a joyful experience for all involved, so long as clear boundaries are set and expectations managed.

You need to consider your husband’s desire to spend time with just your immediate family, and he needs to consider how you will share the challenges of managing young children during holidays without your mother’s support.

I would suggest that you and your husband set aside some time together, perhaps an evening when the children are in bed, to sit and talk this through without any other distractions.

Structure the conversation so that each of you gets to speak, uninterrupted, while the other listens fully before taking their turn to speak.

Use ‘I’ statements as much as possible to avoid blaming each other and to find your common ground — you both want a fun family holiday where you get to spend time together as a family and some time as a couple. Then work backwards from your shared goal as to what or who you need to make this a reality that is as low-stress as taking young children on holiday is ever going to be.

It is OK and, indeed, important for each of you to state clearly what you feel you need so that this can be the kind of holiday you all want it to be. See where you can compromise if necessary. For example, if your mum is not coming with you, would you book a local babysitter?

If you decide together to invite your mum, I would urge you to consider the terms and expectations. Surely she won’t just be providing childcare for you, and you will have to consider how her needs (comfort, entertainment, and a break) can also be met as part of your holiday.

Also, you would need to be open with your mother that a large part of inviting her to come is her helping to mind your children, including an evening or two of babysitting, so that you and your husband can go out.

You are fortunate to have your mother, and that she is so willing and available to support you in this way. So, whether she comes with you or not (especially if she does), be sure to give thought to ways you can show her your appreciation.

A holiday offers many benefits, particularly to children, who thrive in the change of environment and the reset it provides, including increased time together as a family and parents being less distracted and more present in the moment.

So enjoy your family holiday and remember that staying flexible is how you keep it fun for all of you, and that is surely your ultimate shared goal.

Here’s an episode from my podcast that looks at the psychological benefits of a holiday,

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail] or use the form below