Joanna Fortune: My mother-in-law insists on celebrating Christmas early

You need to hold your boundaries and pick your battles. This time of year is exciting for children, as your mother-in-law says, but I also see every day how utterly overstimulating this season can be for them.

My daughters, aged five and eight, love everything about Christmas. I try to keep it as low-key as possible so they don’t get overexcited but already my mother-in-law has started to hype things up, asking the children if they have written their letters to Santa and when we’re going to put up the tree. She has even bought them tickets to see Santa later this month. I’ve told her before that we like to wait until the start of December before doing anything for Christmas but she just laughed it off, saying it’s the best time of year to be a child. I don’t want to fall out with her - however, I’m finding it difficult to keep my temper in check. What should I do?

You need to hold your boundaries and pick your battles. This time of year is exciting for children, as your mother-in-law says, but I also see every day how utterly overstimulating this season can be for them.

Halloween has become a much bigger celebration in our communities, so it tends to blur into Christmas for many children, meaning they are faced with hyper-stimulation from October through to January.

While I agree with you — nothing Christmassy will be happening in our home until December either — I’m also urging you not to make this a big issue with your mother-in-law. If she has booked a Santa visit for your children, let her have that day. You may want to consider scheduling your own family Santa visit in December.

If she asks again about Santa letters or other Christmas-related questions, you can give a positive response: “We don’t do Christmas in this house until December, and then we like to start celebrating and having fun.” If she protests, stay in that gentle yet firm place: “That’s how we do it but the kids will enjoy seeing your decorations when they visit your home”. This response allows you to hold your boundary while respecting her desire to celebrate Christmas differently.

It can be helpful to have a calendar page on the wall for December and pick a Christmas activity each week. For example, letters on week one, so Santa has plenty of planning time; week two is writing cards; week three is putting up the tree and decorations; and week four can be making Christmas cookies to gift to grandparents. This approach helps break down the hype into separate tasks to focus on, making the month more manageable.

Premature Christmas hype is common — festive merchandise is stacked high in shops, and many others will decorate their homes in November. People who start celebrating Christmas early are often motivated by nostalgia, something I detect when your mother-in-law says that this is the best time of year to be a child. In addition to this nostalgia, early celebrators are often seeking a cheer-based distraction, and goodness knows our world needs more to cheer about these days. It may even offer some form of stress relief. I say this so you might better understand where your mother-in-law is coming from and, while you may not share her beliefs, you can empathise and avoid tension with her.

I suggest you follow your own plan within your home and remind the children that their granny likes to start Christmas early. Involve them in designing the December schedule of activities so they know what is to come. And let your mother-in-law celebrate on her terms. 

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]