Colman Noctor: Should we tell our children that 'Santa is watching'? 

Saying 'I am telling Santa' is not optimal as a parenting technique as it gives the child little opportunity to learn about their behaviour. Ideally, parenting sanctions need to help the child understand what they have done wrong and how they might better manage it in the future

I was recently contacted by a parent who asked me if threatening to tell Santa about their child's misbehaviour could be traumatising for them.

The parent was concerned after reading an article in a newspaper that suggested using such tactics could cause a child to repress their feelings, becoming an adult who cannot self-regulate and avoids difficulties.

She was in a tailspin about the trauma that she may have caused her children by threatening to tell Santa when they wouldn't stop fighting in the back of the car or refused to brush their teeth when asked.

I explained she was not alone, pointing out that most parents have used a version of 'Santy is watching' to manage their children's disorderly conduct.  Warning children that Santa is taking note more than likely started with the famous 1930s Christmas song that informs us about his strategy of 'making a list and checking it twice' to find out who's 'naughty or nice'. I remember my parents telling me to rein in my behaviour because I was at risk of ending up on the naughty list and getting a lump of coal as a present on Christmas morning. While I never knew anyone who had got a piece of coal for Christmas, I still wasn't willing to take the chance. Invariably, the reminder that Santa was watching was enough for me to stop what I was doing.

Surely, most parents have used external motivators like Santa or even the police to manage a child's behaviour when under pressure, but does this strategy come at the cost of long-term psychological damage? My simple answer is no, it doesn't. My clinical experience has taught me that context is crucial and it's unhelpful to make assumptions of cause and effect regarding specific parenting interventions.

Continually threatening a child over their lifetime will in most cases cause them to repress emotion and struggle to negotiate aspects of life. However, this cannot be equated with saying 'I'm telling Santa' occasionally in the run-up to Christmas.

Parenting is hard, and sometimes we resort to less-than-perfect strategies to manage challenging behaviour. But children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for, so the impact of our reflexive responses needs to be understood in context.

If one sibling is being mean to another...

I do not subscribe to the 'school of hard knocks' approach to parenting and often point out the limitations of 'tough love'. However, I regard some aspects of the 'gentle parenting' movement as unrealistic, stirring up guilt among parents doing their best.  Suggesting it is potentially damaging to children's mental health to tell them 'Santa is watching' is one such example.

A child has never turned up in my therapy room because their mother or father threatened to tell Santa about their bad behaviour. However, I am regularly contacted by parents who fear they are failing because they were told that an aspect of their parenting would have a catastrophic impact on their child's development when in fact they are doing fine.

Saying 'I am telling Santa' is not optimal as a parenting technique as it gives the child little opportunity to learn about their behaviour. Ideally, parenting sanctions need to help the child understand what they have done wrong and how they might better manage it in the future.  For example, if one sibling is being mean to another, you point to the impact of their actions and how they make the other sibling feel. In doing so, you help the child develop empathy, which positively impacts subsequent interactions.

But is it realistic or desirable to expect that every interaction a parent has with their child will be an ideal 'learning moment'? There is far too much pressure on parents to be some form of Mary Poppins who, at every opportunity, gets down to the child's level, always speaks in a calm, neutral tone and gives the child an in-depth yet developmentally appropriate explanation of how they could better manage their emotions. 

Such a measured response is not always possible when, for example, you are in a supermarket queue and your older son has his little brother in a headlock. We need to accept that 'life happens' and there are times when parents have to do what they can to manage a chaotic situation.

Parents are human and make mistakes too

Most parents will have a repertoire of responses they use. Some will undoubtedly be educational and constructive, but others will be crisis management. In my view, this is an acceptable mix.

While I would always advocate for parenting to be consistent, reliable and predictable, I fully appreciate this goal is aspirational and rarely, if ever, achieved all the time. If that perfect parent existed, would it benefit the child in the longer term? I would question how a child would learn about emotional regulation if they never saw their parents struggle to manage their emotions.  Children need to know that parents are human and make mistakes. There will be moments when we can respond thoughtfully to a child's misconduct and this is critical, but there will be other times when we simply react, and although it is not our proudest parenting moment, this is perfectly normal too.

The build-up to Christmas is stressful for parents, and balance is crucial. If you find yourself reaching for the phone 10 times per day, threatening to dial Santa's number, you may need to rethink your parenting approach and stress levels. But, if you need to play the 'I'm telling Santa' card when there is a pending crisis or simply because you are exhausted, it does not mean your child will repress their emotional expression for the rest of their lives — far from it.  

Once your child knows they are safe and loved, most will grow into mature and caring adults despite parenting lapses. Putting yourself under more pressure to be the 'perfect parent' increases the likelihood of your child becoming emotionally dysregulated. A more forgiving approach to your parenting skills may help to make you a calmer, more effective parent. It's something to keep in mind as we face the peak stress of the festive period.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist