Colman Noctor: Why capable children often lack true self-worth

Child psychotherapist Dr Colman Noctor: Confidence answers the question, ‘Can I do this?’ Self-worth answers, ‘Am I still enough if I can’t?’ Picture: iStock 

Often blurred in conversations about young people is the difference between self-confidence and self-worth. As parents, we celebrate confidence by applauding the child who speaks up in class, performs on stage, or excels on the sports field. Confidence is visible, measurable, and evident in action and achievement.

Self-worth is different as it focuses less on a young person’s abilities and more on how they feel about themselves. Confidence can often be built through practice, encouragement and success. Self-worth, however, is shaped by relationships, experiences and the messages children absorb about their value as human beings.

Many successful Hollywood actors have spoken about their struggles with low self-worth. Their stories remind us that confidence grows from competence, and self-worth from believing we matter, even when we fail. Comedy actor Jim Carrey captured this brilliantly when he said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of, so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

The confidence/self-worth distinction shapes what we prioritise as parents. A child can be highly confident, yet have fragile self-worth. Consider the teenager who achieves outstanding exam results, but is overwhelmed by self-doubt after a disappointing grade; or the talented young sportsperson whose confidence evaporates after a defeat. Confidence can depend on success.

When things go well, the person feels capable, but when things go wrong, their sense of worth is threatened.

Confidence answers the question, ‘Can I do this?’ Self-worth answers, ‘Am I still enough if I can’t?’

The difference between confidence and self-worth is beautifully illustrated in the film Inside Out 2. Here, the main character Riley’s sense of value becomes increasingly tied to how accepted she feels by the popular hockey group. Her ‘Anxiety’ trait works tirelessly to maintain her success and approval, but, in doing so, threatens Riley’s deeper belief that she is enough regardless of performance.

Riley in the animated film ‘Inside Out 2’ bases her worth on the approval of others, undermining her deeper belief that she is enough.

When children have healthy self-worth, they are more likely to think, ‘I didn’t do well this time, but I’m still OK.’ That belief provides perspective and creates a buffer against the inevitable setbacks in our lives.

Parents naturally invest enormous energy in building confidence. We encourage activities, celebrate achievements, and support ambitions. There is nothing wrong with this, but if our children’s sense of value becomes too closely tied to performance, they may come to believe they are only as good as their latest success.

I have met many children who can become very confident at ‘doing’, while remaining uncertain about simply ‘being’. Our challenge is to ensure they know that, while we delight in what they accomplish, our love never depends on it.

Limits of praise

Children learn to value themselves through their relationships with the important adults in their lives. These relationships shouldn’t be about providing endless praise, as that only creates pressure and unrealistic expectations. What matters are consistency, authenticity, and genuine interest in who they are, rather than what they achieve.

When children feel heard, understood, and accepted, they begin to internalise a powerful message: ‘I matter.’ That is very different from ‘My successes matter.’

We also need to separate behaviour from identity. Every child makes mistakes, tests boundaries, and disappoints from time to time. In moments of frustration, it is easy to exclaim, ‘You’re lazy’, or, ‘You’re bold’. But these comments can linger long after the incident has passed, because they describe the child rather than the behaviour.

It is far healthier to challenge the behaviour and protect the child’s identity. ‘I’m disappointed with what you did’ is very different from, ‘You’re a disappointment.’ Children should learn that mistakes are opportunities to grow, not evidence that they are fundamentally flawed.

Equally important is allowing children to struggle. Our instinct is often to rescue them from disappointment. However it is through struggling, adapting and trying again that self-worth is developed.

When children realise that they can cope with difficulty, they develop something deeper than confidence: Resilience. Instead of believing, ‘I can do this’, they begin to believe, ‘I can cope when life doesn’t go my way.’

The gift of giving

Children should be taught that much of their value comes from what they contribute to other people’s lives. This is an aspect of self-worth that receives far too little attention.

We encourage children to ask themselves what they want, what they enjoy, and what will help them get ahead. While these are reasonable questions, they can unintentionally reinforce the idea that life revolves around the self. Modern culture constantly invites children to build a personal brand, chase followers, and stand out from the crowd. It celebrates visibility over contribution.

Helping a neighbour, mentoring a younger child at sport, volunteering in the community, or simply noticing when someone else is struggling teaches children something profound: They have value because they can make a difference to others.

The psychological benefits of kindness are often underestimated. When children see themselves as helpful, generous, and compassionate, they develop an identity that is less reliant on grades, trophies, or external approval.

Their self-worth comes from something more enduring: The knowledge that they matter because they matter to others.

A significant milestone in my own development came when I volunteered at the Cheeverstown Centre for Intellectual Disability in Templeogue at 16. It remains one of the most transformative experiences of my life. For the first time, I understood that my value was not simply measured by what I achieved, but by the difference I could make in other people’s lives.

That lesson has stayed with me and ultimately shaped my choice of career.

These opportunities are increasingly important because we are raising children in a culture that often prioritises individual achievement over collective responsibility.

We encourage children to be successful and exceptional, yet we spend far less time discussing their dependability, thoughtfulness, and kindness. Service to others can seem almost old-fashioned in a world that over-emphasises personal fulfilment.

Feeling useful, needed, and connected is not merely a moral virtue; it is a fundamental psychological need. As parents, we must create opportunities for young people to contribute rather than simply consume. This can be done by involving them in family responsibilities, encouraging them to volunteer, and celebrating moments of service with the same enthusiasm we reserve for academic or sporting success.

Imagine if children heard, ‘Were you kind to anyone today?’ as often as they hear, ‘Did you win?’ or ‘Did you score?’

Don’t get me wrong: Confidence remains important for opening doors and creating opportunities. But confidence without a secure sense of self-worth is fragile, because it constantly seeks validation from the outside world.

An example to follow

Parent behaviour matters, too. Children watch how we respond to setbacks, how we speak about ourselves, and how we treat others. If they see us defining ourselves solely by work, achievement, or appearance, they are likely to adopt the same standards.

If they see us making time for others, showing compassion, and accepting our own imperfections, they learn that self-worth is built on something far richer. Parenting is less about imparting lessons than modelling values. Telling children to value kindness carries little impact if they never see us practise it.

Our confidence will fluctuate throughout life as we inevitably face rejection, disappointment, and failure. The parental task is not to eliminate those experiences, but to ensure children have something more enduring than success on which to build their identity.

In a world that places an ever-increasing premium on performance, perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the understanding that they are valued not merely for what they achieve, but for how they live.

Their worth lies not only in their talents but in their compassion, generosity, and willingness to contribute to something beyond themselves.

We all want our children to be confident enough to pursue their ambitions, but perhaps our greater responsibility is to help them grow into people who are kind enough to help others feel they belong and secure enough to know that they do, too.

Confidence may help children succeed, but belonging is what sustains them, and it is there that lasting self-worth is truly formed.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist