Joanna Fortune: My teen daughter is anxious about leaving home for the first time 

In times like this, as with a lot of things, it is best to lead by example

The Gaeltacht is tension-provoking, but with support it will offer her a great opportunity to master a tension-rousing experience. Picture: iStock

My 16-year-old daughter is going to the Gaeltacht this summer. It’ll be her first time away from home, and she’s getting more anxious by the day. Two girls from her year, who are friends, are going to the same Irish college, but she doesn’t know them well. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

In my family, we have a special word to describe the sensation when feelings of fear and excitement collide. It’s “scited” (scared-excited). This describes that sense of anticipatory arousal when you feel fizzy with feelings about something that is coming up, and you know that you want to go or do it, but also feel un- certain or anxious about it because it’s new and may even feel overwhelming.

Your daughter is not only going to the Gaeltacht for the first time, but will also be away from home for the first time, compounding her fear of the unknown. She is not the only one facing this experience, you are too, and you must factor your own “scited’ feelings into the lead-up as much as hers.

She knows (to some extent) two girls who are going. Is there an opportunity for her to connect with these girls ahead of time? This could be an opportunity to develop a relationship with new friends. If she is open to this, you could suggest that the girls come over to your house to spend time with your daughter ahead of leaving. If she is not in favour of the get-together, do not force it.

Knowing others who are going can be helpful, but it is not essential, as these kinds of summer courses tend to forge new connections with young people outside of her typical peer group. It is a great opportunity to develop independence and autonomy. She will be living alongside new peers and will no doubt discover commonality with some of them. She will make friends and share new and positive experiences with them.

It is important for teenagers to have experiences that afford them opportunities to feel capable away from their parents. Teenage brains are neurologically wired for thrill-seeking and reward-oriented behaviours, and because of this, it is incumbent on us parents to ensure that we are providing them with as much access as we can to positive, risk-taking experiences.

The Gaeltacht is new, exciting, and a little tension-provoking, but with support and encouragement will offer her a great opportunity to master a tension-rousing experience by taking a healthy risk on something new. 

The outside world, and specifically peer connections, are now the most important hub of social and emotional development for teenagers. That said, they still need parents to be present and available when they want or need us. This requires us to walk that fine line between being interested in them and their lives without veering into intrusiveness.

So, lead by positive example. Check in with your own feelings and perhaps talk to the parents of children who have previously gone to learn from theirs. Model calm positivity (don’t force something as it will look performative) and talk about new opportunities as exciting, while acknowledging it can be difficult, adding that you know she is very capable of doing and even enjoying new or difficult things.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]