Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages...
C’mere, what’s the story with Normal People? I do be having Zoom sex with this posh wan from Sunday’s Well, class bai. She said it was all off if I didn’t watch the show, so I acquiesced, that’s wan of the words I’m after picking up off of her. I binged the whole thing there last night, you’d get more plot in a porno movie, do you know that kind of a way?
So I was back on Zoom to yer wan in Sunday’s Well the next day, she says, oh my God like, it totally reminded me of being in college and I says, that must be traumatic because they seem like a shower of langers and she goes berserk and gives me the bullet. Dowcha Donie, back on the market ladies. So like, are we supposed to envy the gowls in Normal People – because I’d rather be from Limerick than live like that?
–Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.
I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked did she envy them? She said, totally, they lived away from home when they were in college, you have no idea what it was like, trying to have sex with my Ken up against a tree on the Marina. (I actually do, but I said nothing.)
Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy bought a pub last week, I was worried if we stayed drinking by ourselves at home, we’d end up as alcoholics. Anyway, we were sitting in there last night, talking about the wedgies we used to give each other in college, when Hoggy got seven-pint serious and said, Reggie, it’s time we set an example to the lower orders.
So long story short, next week is when we can travel 20km AND NO MORE from home – to mark this we’re going to make the ultimate sacrifice and organise a rally of vintage Mercedes from Blackrock Village to Fountainstown. (That’s a 9 on the Norryland-On-Sea scale, where 1 is Schull and 10 is Garryvoe.) I’m driving the lead Merc – would you like to come in my car?
– Reggie, Blackrock, nudge-nudge wink-wink.
I have my own 1 to 10 scale of Things I’d Like to Do By The Sea. 1 is Go Skinny Dipping With Paul Mescal, #sizzling. Good news Reggie – Go For A Ride With You in Fountainstown is actually nowhere near 10. Bad News Reggie – it’s 43.
Hello, I come from one of the best families in Mallow. My youngest lad Hugh Junior, is doing Medicine above in UCC, we bullied him into it, he wanted to become a teacher until Hugh Senior sat him down and said, you’ll end up married to a nurse living in a semi-d on the wrong side of Buttevant, a life of misery if you ever heard of one.
Anyway, small Hugh is gone back up to the house we own near UCC for a few weeks to let loose with his friends.
Wasn’t he on the phone today crying, saying that some of the locals are asking them to keep quiet or go home to their Mammies. What would a boy with an IQ of 140 be doing in Mallow over the summer?
– Kathleen, large house on the way into Mallow from Killarney, you can’t miss it.
My cousin had to move to Mallow after a game of Truth or Dare got out of hand. I said, are there any intellectual pursuits in Mallow? She said, absolutely, every Saturday night they chase anyone with a degree around the square. #WhosBrainyNow
Hey, so I’m one of the most creative people in Ballintemple, judging by the quality of the recording studio in my old man’s giant mansion that you can really only appreciate from a plane. Myself and Bryan with a Y had band from our time in Pres, it was called Old Stokk, Emperors of Ice Cream kind of vibe, but without all the grubby commercial success.
We’re putting together a comeback charidee concert yoke, we won’t do it for Black Lives Matter because even I can see that’s a bad look coming from a white guy with a 15 million euro trust fund. So like what would be a deserving cause that would get us back in public eye, make a bit of moolah, not that we need it?
– Ed, Ballintemple
I contacted my best frenemy from college about this, she lives down by you, totally controls the charity lunch scene in Cork, Tony Soprano in a 3 grand dress. I said, what cause would you recommend? She said, free ear plugs for people who can hear shite bands rehearsing. #CharityBeginsAtHome
How’re oo’ goin’ on? Didn’t I order a drone online to cope with the boredom of being trapped inside with the fecking wife.
I flew it down over the neighbours place Tuesday, she was out the back sunbathing and when she saw the drone overhead didn’t she take her top off and wave up at me. She still has a bit of life in her puppies and the lady 71. So like, is that a come on now tell me?
– Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.
I don’t want to make it sound like I have a problem with old people’s sexuality. But if a country woman over 70 takes her top off in public, my guess is she was trying to scare off some crows.