Ask Audrey: 'Rod Stewart is about as Scottish as a generous person with a nice set of teeth'

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages.

Hey. I’m the leading social media influencer in Ireland measured by the number of my followers who think I’d go to Tullamore for a weekend break without getting paid by the local tourism board. #Imagine #WouldntFancyTheirJob. It’s my daughter’s holy communion this weekend #lovegod #justlovehim, we were going to skip the church until the priest backed down and said I could live stream it on Instagram. #Blessed. I haven’t been in a church in ages and don’t want to make a gowl of myself during the Mass, there’s bound to be a few of my followers there wishing they had my skin. So, like, do you still kneel after the Holy Holy Holy Lord bit?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo

My cousin is a priest, his Tinder account has been on fire since that show Fleabag came on TV. I said, do they have to kneel after the Holy, Holy, Holy? He says who cares as long as they put a tenner in the box during the Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. #RoofNeedsFixing #Again

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a group of UK Afrobeat fanatics back in Drimoleague and haven’t they decided to go up to Rod Stewart this weekend just to laugh at the man. As is so often the case in these things, I’m the designated driver for the trip to Cork, so they can get off their boxes on the hash pipe and the pills and the whatnot. I’m a Rod man myself so just to annoy them I was thinking of wearing a tartan suit - where would a fella get such a thing? — Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway, da ya think I’m sexy?

Yes. (I Was Only Joking.) My friend is a style consultant although you wouldn’t know it by looking at her. I said, where is the best place to get a tartan suit? She said why? I said for Rod Stewart. She said but Rod is about as Scottish as a generous person with a nice set of teeth. #BitRacist

So, I’m sharing a smoke with our garden guy even though he’s from a tricky part of Grange. (We have two AGA stoves and live in Ballintemple, but I’m todally down to earth.) He says “What did you think of the hurling on Sunday?” and I’m “Nice wan, faaaawking pure daycent boy” and he’s “Are you coming down with something there, Ed?” and I’m hurting he can’t see my todal down to earthness, so I say “You do know I’m in Sinn Féin, right?” and he like, laughs. In. My Face. So, what can I say to get him to like me?

— Ed, Ballintemple, I’m a Norry at heart.

You’d want to get that seen to. My Posh Cousin has a new podcast to help Posh Cork make conversation across the social divide, it’s called Having the Chats With the Norries in The Flats. The latest episode is a belter, called Just Nod and Smile While They Talk About Their Favourite Pub in Torremolinos. #RintyMcGintys #TheyShowTheHurlingandEverything

Hello old stock. Hoggy and myself were seven pints in last night when we arrived at the truth of the matter – it’s just impossible to love a woman after you’ve seen her putting on her Spanx. Long story short, I’ve decided to leave Marjorie and start again. The only thing stopping me really is the thought of her moving from inconsolable sadness to anger, followed by a legal campaign to get her hands on my collection of vintage Jags. So, lightbulb moment, I’ve decided to set her up with a suitable partner who can go some of the way to filling the giant gap I’ll be leaving in her life. Do you know anyone that might fit the old bill?

— Reggie, Blackrock, steer clear of the lawyers.

If only I could. My friend runs a dating agency for divorced women called You Couldn’t Be That Unlucky Again Babes. I said, how does it work? She said, I send them on a date with a very suitable man, who waits one drink before asking if they’re wearing any knickers. (You should see the male clients she rejects.)

C’mere, what’s the story with wearing a Liverpool jersey on your wedding day? I’m getting married there Saturday week and would like myself and the best man, Budgie, to wear the red seeing as Liverpool are going to win the Champions League later that night. (Get in!) When I told the old doll, she said no way Dowcha Donie, that will totally undermine the dignity of the whole thing. I said, says your one who is going to be dressed as a mad princess. The bawling out of her when I said that. Budgie says I can’t back down, because that will just set the tone for our marriage. Is he right? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, we’re not allowed watch the match either because she wants everyone on the floor for Rock the Boat.

Terrifying. My neighbour is a wedding planner because some people can’t do anything for themselves. I said, is it unusual for the groom to wear a Liverpool jersey at a Norry wedding? He said very unusual, it’s normally the tracksuit.