Sex File: Why doesn't he want to have sex as much as I do?

My wonderful new man has all the qualities my ex lacked — except his libido is much lower than mine. Should I move on?

Mon, 27 Apr, 2026 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

My marriage ended three years ago and although it had many problems, our sex life wasn’t one. Last year, I met a wonderful new man, also mid-50s, with all the qualities my ex lacked — except his libido is much lower than mine. I know he loves me, my kids love him and I don’t want to lose him, but it’s hard for me to feel loved when he doesn’t want as much intimacy as I do. Have I got my priorities wrong or should I move on?

Your letter is so full of contradictions it is hard to know where to start. Your troubled marriage ended because your husband lacked the qualities that your wonderful new man has in abundance, yet you are thinking of ending this relationship because your partner lacks the one attribute you rated in your husband.

You know your new man loves you, yet can't feel loved by a man who doesn't want to have sex as often as you do. You don't want to lose him yet wonder whether you should move on.

Before you send this lovely man packing, you should think long and hard about your emotional baggage and how it may have informed the decisions you have made. Whether you were still having sex with your ex or not, ending a marriage where children are involved is never easy.

Split parenting means more time alone, and that can motivate people to form new relationships before they really know what they want. Three years ago, your relationship with your ex-husband was your frame of reference, and you looked for someone who would give you an opposite experience. You certainly got that.

Your relationship with your ex was emotionally challenging but sexually rewarding. Your relationship with your new partner is emotionally rewarding but sexually challenging.

You clearly equate having sex with feeling loved, but that is a fairly limited view of intimacy. Love, touch and physical intimacy are deeply intertwined, but love and intercourse are often barely related. Libido in isolation is not the most reliable indicator of how someone feels about you at the best of times, but as you roll through the hormonal chaos of menopause, with all its peaks and troughs, it is an even less useful measure of attraction. Your emotional ambiguity won't help things either.

Regardless of whether you have drawn attention to the differences in your libidos, your new partner is likely to have picked up on the fact you want more than he can give. Don't assume that will always be the case as you age, but either way, when a man senses his female partner is sexually dissatisfied, he is more likely to withdraw than to try and up his game, ask for help or explore pharmaceutical solutions such as Viagra or testosterone.

My advice? Take time to work on yourself before blowing up a promising relationship. Get therapy. Read self-help books. Find other, healthier means of validation. Developing a better relationship with yourself will increase your confidence and give you some much-needed clarity about what really matters. It will also have a positive long-term impact on your relationship with your children and anyone else you make a conscious decision to care about.