Sex File: He uses sex to resolve our rows

"Figuring out the unspoken subtext for arguments is important because when you focus on the wrong problem, you end up with the wrong solution."

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Every time we argue, my husband thinks sex is the magic make-up solution. I understand that endorphins can help to smooth over bad moods, but they can't fix everything, and what once felt like the hallmark of a passionate relationship now just feels frustrating. How can I get him to deal with the real issue at hand?

It depends on what the "real issue at hand" is, and whether it is something that a conversation could fix. Often, the things that couples argue about are not the things that they are actually upset about. So, for example, rows about money are often rows about power or control, or a mismatched attitude to money might be interpreted as a mismatched attitude to relational commitment. Rows about housework are rarely about the fact that the dishwasher has not been emptied or that socks are on the floor. They are about a basic need for equity and respect in a shared environment. And rows about sex are nearly always a bid for love, affection and attention, possibly from someone who has just discovered the size of the joint overdraft or picked up 15 dirty socks.