Sex File: I can't match her empty-nest energy

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After decades of parenting, our kids have finally left home. My wife seems to have taken this as a challenge to reinvigorate our sex life. I'm in the market for some small-scale improvements but frankly exhausted by the prospect of wholesale change. How do we navigate this together?

Most transitions begin with an ending. For you and your wife, the empty nest marks the end of a way of life that has defined your roles for decades. That's a big psychological shift and it can take a while to adjust to a new reality. 

When two people are simultaneously moving through a significant life transition, it is not unusual for them to find themselves out of sync with each other. You feel exhausted by your wife's determination to reinvigorate your sex life, but her new-found energy and enthusiasm is not an unusual response to the empty nest. In fact it is entirely in line with research from the University of Melbourne, which tracked more than 400 middle-aged women for nine years. The study followed the women as their adult children left home and it found that for most, the departure of the last child from the household led to a significant improvement in mood and a decrease in daily stress.

In a happy marriage, the absence of children in the home should give couples the freedom to explore sex in a way that they may not have been able to previously. Instead of hiding behind a locked bedroom door, they can unleash their lovemaking and finally christen every room in the house. That's the theory. In practice, the empty nest can amplify sexual difficulties that might previously have been overlooked. Not wanting to have sex, for example, is often excused because one or other spouse is too busy, or too tired, or there is an absence of privacy. Once children leave home, most of those excuses become redundant, and that can cause conflict. As a result, the empty nest stage is one of the most vulnerable periods in any marriage.

Because it is widely anticipated to be a big transition, many couples put strategies in place to help them cope. Often, one person is more excited about the prospect of domestic freedom than the other, so planning things that you can both look forward to can help. Going on holiday, redecorating, getting a dog, or finding a new hobby are more common options than giving your sex life a full-scale overhaul, but your wife's idea probably offers the most long-term relational benefit.

Whether she can bring you with her will be determined by how well the two of you can communicate with each other. Initially, you need to be able to share the fact that you feel a bit overwhelmed and that while you are game for improvements, you don't necessarily feel ready for radical change. Ask her to start small, and insist that you make decisions about what to try together so that this becomes a joint project. You don't want to get cast as the curmudgeon who always says no. Whatever the outcome, if you can use this as an opportunity to be completely honest with each other, it will be hugely beneficial for your marriage.

I would also urge you to try to keep this in perspective. No matter how enthusiastic she is, your wife's desire to revolutionise your sex life is far more likely to result in small-scale improvement than wholesale change. And it may also be naive to believe that children who move away will stay away. In that Melbourne study, the return of adult children had an adverse effect on parental sexual relations, so enjoy your wife's attention while it lasts.

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