Sex File: Is it too late to spice things up?

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Is it possible to have different sex with the same person? I love my husband of 13 years and our sex life has always been decent but never particularly wild. I feel sad at the thought of never having the kind of sex I've fantasised about, but where would we even start?

You say that your sex life with your husband has always been "decent" - an underwhelming endorsement if ever there was one - but I bet it has changed a huge amount in the 13 years since you first met. Although a degree of habituation is inevitable, if you stay with the same person for long enough life has a tendency to shake things up on a pretty regular basis.

Making a commitment to each other, having a child, an argument, a promotion, redundancy, even bereavement can all change the way a couple have sex. Emotional transitions tend to increase the need for intimacy in men and women, whereas stress and tiredness tend to reduce desire. For women, biological changes such as pregnancy, the menstrual cycle and the menopause can dramatically increase or decrease libido.

One surefire way to have different sex is to tell your husband that you have been harbouring sexual fantasies for over a decade. Either he will be absolutely delighted to discover that you want to take a walk on the wild side - although he may wonder why you took 13 years to tell him - or you might scare the living daylights out of him. Either way, it is only by having that conversation that you will find out what your starting point is.

You're not specific about what kind of sex you have been fantasising about. A lot obviously rests on how radical your ideas are. Trying out some new positions? That could sound like fun. Opening up your marriage and bringing a third party into your bedroom? Perhaps not so much. The thing about your fantasy is that you have had 13 years to explore it from all angles. Familiarity makes everything less intimidating, but your husband will be meeting it for the first time and, depending on what it entails, there is a strong possibility that he might find it more daunting initially.

You might also want to think about whether letting your husband in on your fantasy will take away more than it gives. Secrecy is often the thing that gives fantasy its erotic charge, so sharing it can destroy it, particularly if your husband responds badly. The other possibility is that when you act out your fantasy, you may discover that you don't actually like it at all.

The conflict between what people think about and what they would be willing to actually do makes fantasy a difficult topic to discuss. Fantasy is not reality, but it can trigger real emotions. A 2001 study by Thomas Hicks and Harold Leitenberg found that 98% of men and 80% of women reported having fantasies about someone other than the person they were having a sexual relationship with.

The complexity of sexual fantasy doesn't make it any less ubiquitous. When he was researching his book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, Dr Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 people and 98% reported having had at least one sexual fantasy. Bearing this in mind, it is also worth considering how you might feel if it turns out that your husband has his own sexual fantasies that he would like to explore with you.

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