Sex File: I love quickies but my husband doesn't 

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I love quickies and would be happy if that was the only sex we ever had (especially while the kids are young), but my husband would always rather have more elaborate 'movie sex' sessions. How can we meet in the middle without feeling pressured (me) or rejected (him)?

First things first: quickies are a great way to remain sexually connected. They offer passion, intensity and spontaneity and are especially useful in those periods when you're dealing with the demands of small children and have always got one eye on the clock - or the bedroom door.

Like all good things, however, too much of the same thing can get a bit boring, and it's worth being completely honest with yourself about why you prefer them. You don't talk about sexual pleasure in your letter, but putting two and two together, could it be that they allow you to tick 'have sex' off your to-do list in the shortest amount of time possible?

If so, I don't necessarily think that the issue here is a lack of time but a lack of attention. I suspect that this is what your husband really wants, and he may be attempting to make the experience more elaborate as a way of getting you to be fully present. He wants to feel that when you are making love you are thinking about him - and not another task you need to complete.

If your instinct is to speed things up because you feel that you have too much on your plate, counterintuitively, slowing everything right down from time to time and having sex more mindfully would help you both to meet in the middle. Mindful sex is a learnt skill that enables you to stay present when distractions come into your mind. Mindfulness is, in a way, mindlessness. It is the process of not thinking so that you can focus on the present and notice new things.

In a sexual context that might mean noticing the sensation of your husband's hands touching your skin or his tongue exploring your mouth.

It is being aware of your muscles contracting as you move together and the sound of your bodies rustling against the sheets. It is the essence of engagement, and it will satisfy both of you in a way that your present sexual interactions may be failing to do.

You can read lots of articles about mindful sex online, but the most important thing is to give yourself time to make the transition from one role in your life to another. Many women find it extremely difficult to make the switch from 'mother' to 'lover' but one thing that I think would help you would be to have 15 minutes to yourself before you try to engage in sex. Whether you take a shower or just lie on the bed staring at the ceiling, taking a little time to re-engage with yourself will make it easier for you to re-engage with your husband.

Having said that, to have any hope of having a mindful sexual connection there is one very important thing that you need to do: put a lock on your bedroom door and use it when you want privacy. You won't only be protecting yourself, you will be protecting your children too.

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