Sex File: My husband has retired - and gone off sex 

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I was excited when my husband joined me in retirement last year, thinking this was finally our time and adventures would follow. Instead, he has become obsessed with his hobbies and he seems less interested in spending time together than before. I thought he was retiring from work, not from life - and definitely not sex! What can I do?

For many people, work can be much more than a job. It is often an identity - it doesn't just provide an income, but also status and social interaction. When who you are is so bound up in what you do, retirement can feel completely discombobulating. It is also synonymous with ageing - it's easier to ignore mortality when you are still working and surrounded by younger colleagues.

In an ideal world, people would begin planning their retirement years in advance so it didn't come as such a shock, but even for someone like your husband, who has other interests, reconciling himself to what feels like redundancy takes time. In the first few years at least, retirement can take away a lot more than it gives and, of course, anything that impacts confidence also has an impact on sexual satisfaction.

In 2022 the German Centre of Gerontology looked at data from 359 men and 400 women who took part in the Health, Ageing and Retirement Transitions study that was conducted in Sweden over four years. On average, sexual satisfaction decreased after retirement, and although both sexes experienced this change, the impact was worse for men.

While you feel a bit resentful of your husband's hobbies, you are lucky he has some. 

Many men who retire don't have any outside interests at all and that's worse because they become much more dependent and are more likely to become depressed. I know you feel that your husband is shutting you out, but putting pressure on him to meet your sexual needs would probably be counterproductive at this point.

What you could do is to organise a special night designed to break the pattern and encourage sexual activity. Plan in advance and send him an invitation so that he knows what to expect. Focus on romance rather than sexual performance, which he might find intimidating. Champagne and candlelit bubble baths may be a cliche, but they create a certain ambience.

As your husband adjusts to retirement, I am sure that sexual frequency will increase. If it doesn't, it would be worth talking to a relationship counsellor or a sex therapist. Don't think about it in terms of fixing something that is broken, think about it as an opportunity to invest in your sexual and emotional connection.

It would be good for you to find an activity that you could learn together. Whether you take up pottery or hang-gliding, challenging yourselves physically and intellectually will strengthen your relationships and help you both to appreciate what you have. Because you have a lot. 

Although this transition has proved to be more difficult than anticipated, 85 years of research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development has shown that the key to a fulfilled life lies not in wealth or work, but in the power of relationships. Older married couples are happier, healthier and they live longer too, so make the most of what you have while you can.

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