Sex File: I'm hooked on make-up sex with my boyfriend

The issue is that having sex at other times now feels quite bland in comparison

Mon, 29 Jun, 2026 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

My boyfriend of four years and I have increasingly got into a pattern of having make-up sex once we've resolved an argument. I don't feel it's a problem in itself; the issue is more that having sex at other times now feels quite bland in comparison. How can I inject some of the high of reconnection into everyday sex?

There is a scientific explanation for this phenomenon. When you feel threatened, your fight-or-flight response kicks in. Your body's automatic reaction to perceived danger or psychological stress triggers a surge of adrenaline. Your heart beats faster, pumping more blood to essential organs like the heart and lungs. Your breathing becomes more rapid, your pupils dilate, your hands feel clammy and your muscles tense.

Although the context is completely different, when you feel very sexually aroused, your body responds in the same way. When you have an argument followed by make-up sex, the sudden switch from "threat" to "attraction" is known as "excitation transfer". The lingering physiological arousal from one state intensifies the emotional response to the other.

Unfortunately, existing research doesn't offer many practical suggestions as to how excitation transfer could be adapted so that regular sex is a bit more exciting. In studies exploring excitation theory, scary activities such as riding a rollercoaster or walking across a high, wobbly rope bridge have been demonstrated to increase sexual arousal, but where are you going to find those props on a Friday evening?

Watching scary films will do it too but the nightmares might not be worth it.

Exercising together is a more realistic possibility. In 1975, a small study found that exercising before watching an erotic film led to high levels of physiological excitation. A more recent (2023) study at the University of Siegen in Germany found that men who performed three minutes of a physically demanding exercise had more intense reactions to pictures with sexual content compared to a control group.

I suspect your best option would be to take some emotional risks with each other. I know you've been together four years, but I doubt you know everything about each other. Having a conversation where you allow yourselves to be vulnerable will have much the same impact as an argument. Disclosing insecurities, sharing secrets and admitting that you care about each other will create the same sense of emotional rawness as having a blazing row.

The only difference is that you are more likely to feel empathy rather than anger. The kind of arguments that lead to make-up sex rarely stem from one incident. They are often small disagreements that build up over a few days, leading to a big outburst. By swapping old criticisms for new disclosures, you will create a sense of anticipation. Broaching intimate conversations a little bit at a time reduces the risk of feeling overwhelmed.

Finally, you and your partner need to pay more attention to why you fight so much. Some couples thrive on drama but those high-octane relationships rarely last. Often we argue about things that don't matter as a way of avoiding things that do. For example, disputes over money or property can mask deeper anxieties about commitment, trust, and the direction of the relationship - which is a good example of a scary conversation that can lead to great sex.