Sex File: I've fallen out of lust with my wife

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I've never been sexually inhibited but within the confines of a committed relationship, I lose all desire. 

I've heard the psychotherapist Esther Perel use the term 'love/lust split' for people like me. 

I long for the close relationship of which I am incapable and feel huge guilt for letting down my wife. Any recommendations?

You don't say what age you are, but you are comfortable referencing Freud in your longer letter, so I'm guessing that you are no spring chicken. 

It may, therefore, be some comfort for you to learn that many other couples of your age are in exactly the same boat. In a 2018 British survey of 2,005 people, more than one in four said that they were living in a sexless relationship. 

Broken down by age, the data showed that 25% of couples in their 30s, 28% of those in their 40s, 36% in their 50s and 47% of those aged 60 or older were not having sex with each other.

If both partners are perfectly happy not having sex, then there isn't a problem. Sexlessness only becomes problematic when one partner wants sex while the other cannot or does not want to. 

It is unusual for the person who doesn't want sex to be the one who is most distressed about it, but it is clear from your letter that this is not the first time you have encountered this phenomenon. 

That may explain your regret. If you have seen this story play out before, you may already know how it ends. 

Often, when there is mismatched desire, it is assumed that the woman is the one who doesn't want sex, but low libido affects just as many men. 

Regardless of the cause, when one partner is no longer interested in having sex, it feels like rejection. 

Men may be able to console themselves with stereotypes of women being less sexual, but women often take it personally - they blame themselves for not being desirable.

You are adamant that you are not sexually inhibited and describe your lack of interest as something that only happens 'within the confines of a committed relationship'. 

Your choice of words is interesting. Most happy couples don't think of commitment as confining. In fact, they find it incredibly liberating. 

They can be themselves, let rip, drop the mask - safe in the knowledge that their other half has their back. 

Instead of appreciating the freedom that unconditional love can bring two people, you define your relationship by what you perceive to be its limitations. 

Unable to love and lust simultaneously, you only ever feel you get half the package.

Moving forward, you could do nothing and settle for a close but sexless marriage. Or you could do what you should have done years ago; fix the thing that is broken. 

An option is to work with a sex and relationships therapist.  Although this problem affects both of you, it is something that, at least initially, you ought to explore on your own. 

Therapy will help you to understand why this pattern emerges in any relationship that you commit to, but it will also increase autonomy and create psychological distance between you and your wife. 

That, in turn, may help to restore the erotic tension between you.

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