Joanna Fortune: How can I motivate my teenage daughter to study?

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My 17-year-old daughter, who is in fifth year, has completely disengaged from the school curriculum. She was always the type of student who did the bare minimum and would Google answers instead of reading the textbook. Also, she does no steady revision and normally starts studying the night before the test. Now she barely does that much and I do not see her even doing her required level of homework. How can I motivate her?

It can be very difficult to feel motivated if our mental health is under stress. I suggest you explore if something specific is happening in her life that may be causing increased distress and contributing to her withdrawal.

Your question about how you can motivate her is where I would like to start. We have two motivational systems: one renders us sensitive to reward, and the other renders us sensitive to punishment. In other words, some are motivated by the pursuit of a positive outcome, and others tend to be more motivated when they fear the consequences of not acting. As a starting point, it might be helpful to reflect on which of these two systems has been your daughter's dominant motivational system over the years. 

Perhaps you motivated her with rewards or sticker charts as a child because it prompted action. The issue with this approach is that it can teach children that something is only worth doing if there is a reward on the table and they may struggle to self-motivate without someone actively incentivising them.

Self-motivation comes easier to some people than it does to others so rather than criticising her lack of self-motivation, look for ways to help her activate that drive within herself. By strengthening your emotional connection with her, you are investing in her capacity to self-motivate.

Criticising your daughter will only activate her defences and push her away. Instead, seek to support her in connecting with her own desires. Try a  creative communication technique such as: 'describe a day in your life ten years from now'. If this is too much for her, describe a day in your life five years from now. What is important here is that you do not critique or dismiss anything she imagines herself doing as 'silly' or 'unrealistic' but respond with acceptance and curiosity -  'that sounds like an enjoyable job/life/activity' - and wonder with her what needs to happen to get to this ideal place. Slowly and with creativity, work backwards with her to establish tangible steps and actions that will bring her to this goal.

Self-motivation is supported when we can identify and set practical, tangible and achievable goals. Once we do that, we establish a pattern of reviewing and revising these goals with a steady frequency. Some people live by a five-year plan, and others need to set a three-month plan. Given the slump you describe your daughter being in, perhaps suggest that you each set one goal. Make your goal for her attainable and positive in wording. 

Positive feedback is another motivational force, so pause to consider the last time you told her what she is doing well, how proud you are of her and how much you believe in her. 

Judging by your longer letter, you sound pretty worn out with the collective stress of what has been happening. It may also be worth identifying a mentor (within the school, family or community) she can connect with and who will support her moving forward.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please email it to [e-mail]