Joanna Fortune: My eldest says we're mean and no fun 

Perhaps the next time your 11-year-old accuses you of being mean, reframe it for her. Picture: iStock 

I work full-time, and so does my husband. We just about make ends meet between the mortgage, childcare, and bills. It leaves us with little time and resources for Christmas. Our three children have never complained, but this year the eldest, who is 11, has started saying that we’re mean and no fun. It didn’t help that one of her friends went to Lapland a week ago. What can we do without spending a fortune?

I want to acknowledge all you’re doing to ensure your family’s needs are being met. At this time of year, it’s easy to be bombarded with social media photographs and reels of fabulous trips to Lapland or winter sun-breaks others are taking. 

It can feel as if everyone else is doing these things, even though we cannot afford to. Before long, we start to believe we are somehow denying our children the experiences that other children are having.

So when our children say something like “you’re mean because we didn’t get to visit Lapland”, it can amplify how we were already feeling.

Perhaps the next time your 11-year-old accuses you of being mean, reframe it for her as: “I don’t think you mean that. You know we are not mean, but it can be hard to see others going places we can’t go right now.”

Plan for family movie nights with homemade snacks over Christmas, do some baking, and chat together as you do it. Picture: iStock 

Then you could say: “I get it, going to Lapland would be cool or even going on a plane to somewhere else. Let’s imagine our dream holiday and draw a picture of it.”

You don’t want her to feel bad for wanting to go places, even when this is not an option. Nor should you feel bad about this.

Remind her of all the things you do as a family together, not by listing them off for her, but by showing her. Spending time together doesn’t have to cost money.

Plan for family movie nights with homemade snacks over Christmas, do some baking, and chat together as you do it. Also, play games together that don’t cost anything and can be easily done at home, but are lots of fun for everyone to participate in.

Here are some examples:

• Musical statues: Throw on some music and dance as wild as you like before someone hits pause, and you must all freeze. Anyone who moves is out (I like to give everyone a second go).
• Fashion catwalk: Pair up and give each duo a toilet roll to design an outfit for their partner within a set time, and then have a fashion show while the designer talks you through their design and their partner acts out the model role.
• Whose toes?: Each of you sits on the floor, stretching your stockinged feet out in front of you. Then place a blanket over your feet and tangle them up underneath. Now take turns reaching in and gently squeezing a foot to guess whose it is, then that person takes a go and so on.

These are just a few suggestions to get you thinking. No doubt you are already doing more with them than you are crediting yourself with.

Every January, when I ask the children I work with how their Christmas was, they don’t list lots of toys or big adventures; instead, they talk about the fun they had with their parents and families.

I would encourage you to celebrate Christmas by celebrating the fun in simple, everyday connections.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]