Joanna Fortune: I have been in her life for 10 years but am I a good enough step-parent?

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I am a step-parent to an 11-year-old girl. Her family background is difficult, she lost her mother at a young age and custody is shared between her grandparents and my husband. I have been in her life for nearly 10 years and have been building my relationship with her over that period. The problem is I never feel good enough and I worry about how to manage my feeling of inadequacy. What can I do to believe I am doing my best and I am good enough?

You have been an active part of parenting, nurturing, guiding, supporting, and loving this child for a decade, essentially all of her life. You are a reliable and consistent part of her attachment network. That is precisely what children need — calm, clear, consistent, predictable caregivers who have their interests at the heart of their choices and decisions.

The term ‘step’ may leave you feeling on the periphery of parenting this child, and it may be part of what is tripping you up and causing you the self-doubt you describe. A step-parent plays a critical role in a child’s life as a caregiving adult who loves a child and is invested in their success at all levels. Children benefit from having a network of such caregivers in their lives. Your role would be important even if her mother was still an active part of her life.

This child has suffered a rupture in her life -— the loss of her mother — and you can play a key role in helping her to repair (strengthen and enhance) her relationship with a maternal figure.

That is not to say you would seek to replace her mother, you cannot do that, nor do I imagine you wish to do so, but you can offer her the chance to have a maternal connection with you and to grow through that connection.

There are some steps I suggest you take, you may well have done this in the early days but it will help to repeat them now as she will soon enter adolescence and your relationship will change, evolve, and develop.

Start by reflecting on your expectations. Is the level of involvement in your child’s life something you feel comfortable with? How do you wish it was? Next, talk with your husband about how you feel, your role in the child’s life and how you would like it to be.

Together, discuss what role you could play and how to get there. Include space to name practical ways, such as regularly asking each other what was the highlight of the week and what was the moment you’d like to change, setting a date once a month to sit together or go for a walk together to talk about what is/is not working rather than letting frustration build.

Get to know the child through her interests. Get interested in what interests her and go on outings, spend time and watch TV together, do practical things such as homework, drive her to meet friends, and pick out clothes. Let her know that you are invested in her.

Often as parents or caregivers, we can feel ‘not enough’ and sometimes fall short. We need to acknowledge this so we can make changes and improve our relationship with our children. But sometimes, we are enough even though we may not live up to our own expectations, and this can lead to anxiety.

For more on this topic, check out my podcast exa.mn/15-minutes-good-enough

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]