Joanna Fortune: It feels as if my in-laws hijacked Christmas

My husband was of little help and kept fussing about his mum, who expected to be treated like a queen

Tue, 06 Jan, 2026 - 16:00

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Child psychotherapist

My in-laws stayed with us over Christmas. Both are in their 70s, and I went to a lot of trouble to make sure they had a good time. My husband was of little help and kept fussing about his mum, who expected to be treated like a queen. His dad is a lovely, quiet man, but didn’t even offer to wash a cup. I know I should be more understanding as they were getting on in years, but I felt my Christmas was hijacked.

It would be helpful to take a couple of weeks to exhale the stress of what happened before you discuss what happened with your husband. The conversation will go better when you can enter it from a calmer place within yourself.

Try to avoid listing off all of your gripes with your in-laws, as it will only create tension between you and your husband. Instead, get outdoors for a walk together and reflect on what worked this Christmas. Acknowledge how important it was to him that his parents had a great time, and this was a good thing.

Then reflect on why you didn’t feel you had time to enjoy Christmas with everyone, because you were so busy doing the tasks that ensured everyone else had a wonderful time.

Maybe your husband has siblings who could take turns hosting his parents at Christmas. Or perhaps there is an expectation that you’ll host it again. Be clear that you work hard all year and also want to relax and enjoy Christmas.

Suggest booking Christmas dinner at a hotel or restaurant so everyone can enjoy a stress-free meal with no washing up. Yes, this is expensive (though hosting a family for Christmas dinner at home is also costly), so you could suggest making a plan now and starting to save or make sacrifices during the year to afford it.

Your husband may not like this idea, but he will now have to help formulate an alternative plan to alleviate your burden.

This approach would involve lowering expectations. It’s far more rewarding to focus on what’s most meaningful for all of you, striving for pleasant over perfect, and delegating tasks well in advance.

So much of the work of Christmas is invisible to others — don’t presume they know all that you do, and sharing a list of tasks in advance helps highlight what goes into curating that enjoyable day. Remember, it’s just a day — look at the parts that aren’t essential and simplify it for yourselves.

This approach isn’t about being Grinch-like, far from it. It’s about boundaries and centring yourself during your family’s Christmas celebration. It’s lovely to have ageing parents present at family occasions — one day, this won’t be the case, so you want to ensure the occasions you host are connection-focused.

Christmas is a wonderful time for everyone, mainly because of the huge work that (mostly) women put into making it so. As the current arrangement seems to be working well enough for everyone else, and they’re unlikely to suggest changing it, you’ll have to be the one to initiate this change.

Stay focused on what you want: To participate in the Christmas Day celebrations with everyone else, with less work and stress for yourself. Paint a picture of your ideal Christmas, and let it guide your planning.