Sex File: I get a bit bored with his foreplay 

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My 55-year-old husband likes to take his time over foreplay and has always been a bit pleased with himself about this. Sometimes I find it goes on for too long. I don't always want the long build-up, and would like things to move along more swiftly. He thinks this is an unusual complaint for a woman to make and seems disappointed.

It seems to me that there is a simple solution. If you want to speed up sex all you have to do is take matters into your own hands - you can take it in turns to decide the pace. Taking the lead could also have the benefit of increasing the excitement. However, that will fix only part of the problem, that of speed.

The more difficult issue is probably hiding between the lines. I don't think it is really about the fact that your husband spends ages on foreplay. You don't mention sexual pleasure or your own orgasm at all. If the foreplay was working for you I can't imagine you would be wanting less of it. I can't help concluding that one of the reasons you want the foreplay - and sex - to be over more quickly is because you are not enjoying it that much.

The thing is, your husband is correct that women generally like a good build-up to be aroused. Only 18% of women can orgasm from penetrative sex, according to the research scientist and author Debby Herbenick at Indiana University. Women typically take longer to become aroused than men, and this is especially true as women get older. The reasons for these changes are multidimensional and complex, but the obvious culprits are hormonal changes, decreased blood flow, less lubrication and less sensitivity in nerve endings.

Decreased sensitivity and decreased libido are common problems for women in midlife, and if this is the real issue for you, you and your other half need to talk. You see, I don't think your husband's focus on foreplay is entirely altruistic. I suspect that one of the reasons he insists on labouring over it is because he is experiencing age-related sexual changes too. Younger men get aroused in seconds, but as they get older it takes a lot longer for men to be ready for penetrative sex. The reason he spends so long on foreplay could be because extending it provides additional sexual excitement for him.

No one wants to admit that getting older has made them less of a sex god, but age gets to us all eventually, so it is how couples deal with it that matters. It is also true that the communication patterns that couples develop don't happen of their own accord. They are, instead, something of a mutual conspiracy designed to protect sensitivities. If you and your husband have been hiding sexual insecurities from each other, now is the time to change.

Consider this a turning point in your relationship, an opportunity to be completely open with each other about the things that worry you, the things that you need help with and the things that turn you on. Sexual honesty is empowering and genuinely sexy. Give it a try.

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