Lighten Up: Teagasc survey makes us cattle farmers look like playboys!
The Teagasc report has had our Auld Lehane bamboozled all week with its talk of a tremendous rise in profits out of beef farming.
As I swung my yacht up into Monte Carlo last Thursday morning, I found a nice spot to moor, right alongside more yachts that were mighty, but not as mighty as my own.
Then I escorted off a group of beautiful supermodels, who had been on board for a party I had thrown the night before.
Holding a flute of champagne, I strolled merrily down the promenade.
It was there that I bumped into an Arab Sheikh who was so overcome by my wealth that he had to stop me in my tracks.
"I have to enquire," says he. "How did you become so wealthy?
"Why, I'm an Irish beef farmer," I cheerfully proclaimed.
And then in a flash, I produced the recently published Teagasc Survey on Irish farming, which showed that Irish beef farmers' incomes rose by 81% in 2025.
He was aghast.
"81%!" he roared. "That's unheard of in my world.
"'Tis no wonder Teagasc are shouting about it," says he.
"They shout about little else nowadays," I declared, as I strolled on.
Next, while in Venice I bumped into Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, I actually got ahead of them in a queue for Cornettos.
"How did you get ahead of us in a queue for Cornettos?" they asked. "Are you a very wealthy man?"
I then showed them the Teagasc report that had Irish suckler farmers on a 74% income increase in 2025.
The pair went into convulsions.
Never before in all their years of business had they seen such an increase in income.
"Yes indeed," says I proudly. "Up 74%!"
The next moment I found myself in Rome and strolling down through the Vatican.
And as you might expect, I soon met the pope.
"I like all your gold," says I, "but have you ever seen this?"
And with that I showed the Holy Father the, by now, well worn-out pieces of paper.
The truly magical survey undertaken by Teagasc.
Like Neville Chamberlain, I waved the paper high and with tremendous joy.
The pope was in shock
"Beef farmers' incomes up 81%, suckler farmers up 74%!" he read.
The pope had never read the likes of it before.
"Ye must be rotten with money," says he, "rotten entirely!"
Yerra, I had to laugh, for it sure beats crying.
And with that, the bells of St Peter's started to ring
"Ding a ling a ling," they went.
The bells of St Peter's sounded very like my alarm clock.
Alas, it was my alarm clock.
I had been asleep.
The whole thing had been a fantastical dream, except for the Teagasc report.
I was now awake and as poor as ever, despite Teagasc's reports, that you wouldn't see the likes of on Wall Street.
But that wasn't the end of it.
The following night the dreams continued. This time I was the TV detective Jonathan Hart, the self-made millionaire.
But instead of making my millions from fighting crime, I was making my money rearing calves, in a calf-to-beef enterprise.
I was making it with the help of my wife Jennifer, of course, and with Max and Freeway too.
I was quite a guy!
We made more money fighting with weanlings than we did fighting with bad eggs.
The Teagasc report has had me bamboozled all week.
This talk of a tremendous rise in profits out of beef farming in 2025 has me righty confused, for I saw feck all in 2025, and I'm seeing even less this year.
Teagasc are making us sound like playboys of the western world, instead of cowboys on the last legs.
'Tis all fantasy stuff, if you ask me. And that's 100% true.
