‘You have pneumonia. Is that house in Dublin warm enough?’

READER, I am writing this column from my death bed.

I hope you’re grateful that I’m spending my last precious moments on this planet explaining to you all how I shall be the first Irish person to die from the common cold in modern times.

Please do not waste your time emailing to call me a hypochondriac or a drama queen or a “big fat cry baby” (thanks family member who shall go unnamed), for here is the simple truth: I. Am. Dying.