Ignore all the gloom and cheer up — you’re living in the best of times

DO YOU find watching the news depressing? I completely understand. What with Al Gore telling us that we face a “planetary emergency” and the British government claiming obesity presents an even bigger challenge, not to mention the serial warnings that we are all going to be blown up by Islamist terrorists, if cancer doesn’t kill us beforehand.

There really isn’t much point getting up in the morning, is there? I’m afraid I have worse news for you: according to a new report by the Irish Academical Medical Society (the I AM’S for short), we are all going to die.

Yes, that’s right, every single one of us is going to have our lives ended. Shock! Horror! I need to warn you of this appalling fate that awaits you because if you listened too much to governments, you could be forgiven for concluding that if only you didn’t eat, drink, smoke, take foreign holidays or drive a car, you could live forever. Sorry — you can’t.