JUMPING THE GUN

At 11.45, the press office trumpeted out an email outlining Enda Kenny’s plans for his first 100 days in office.

But one minute later, Big Phil Hogan was on hand with a bucket of cold water, drenching the chicken counters with the warning “No Votes Cast Yet”.

You generally have to be up pretty early to catch Phil out but that’s what happened on this occasion. The people of Arranmore and seven other islands had already been at the polls almost five hours.

JUMPING THE GUN

SEEMS they were jumpier than Harvey Smith listening to Van Halen yesterday morning at Fine Gael HQ. At 11.45, the press office trumpeted out an email outlining Enda Kenny’s plans for his first 100 days in office.

But one minute later, Big Phil Hogan was on hand with a bucket of cold water, drenching the chicken counters with the warning “No Votes Cast Yet”.

You generally have to be up pretty early to catch Phil out but that’s what happened on this occasion. The people of Arranmore and seven other islands had already been at the polls almost five hours.

SAY WHAT

ON Today with Pat Kenny, Enda Kenny was full of praise for mammies with a clean service history.

“Congratulations to your mother. Someone born the year before the Titanic went down has a very good record. My own mother is a few years behind yours but she’s still in very good condition.”

LAST HURRAH

MICHEÁL’s final throw of the dice from the Upstart.ie team who have lit up the election campaign.

ENDA JARRED

THE tallymen have tanked — Ringo the Octopus is first to call the election.

You’ll remember how last week we put all our faith in Ringo, the distant relative of German Paul who Newstalk hired to predict the election outcome now that George Hook can’t be trusted any more.

Ringo is nine for nine in political predictions and now the clairvoyant cephalopod has anointed Enda Kenny the clear winner of tomorrow’s vote.

Handlers arranged five jars in Ringo’s tank at Seahorse Aquariums, each bearing a picture of a party leader. After initially opting for a coalition government by resting simultaneously in Enda Kenny’s and Eamon Gilmore’s jars, Ringo shifted emphatically to the right and settled in the bosom of Fine Gael, which he hasn’t left since. These molluscs know their bandwagons.