No gameshow, but there’s lots at stake

SITTING upright in the Mahon corruption probe’s witness box staring intently at a flat screen monitor while questions were fired at him, it looked for all the world as if the Taoiseach was a contestant on some twisted edition of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

And no-nonsense tribunal counsel Des O’Neill would make a fitting ringmaster for such a television spectacular.

“Now Taoiseach, which finance minister had a spate of large and unusual cash lodgments turning up in various accounts during 1994? Was it a) Bertie Ahern, b) Bertie Ahern, c) Bertie Ahern, or d) Bertie Ahern?” he might inquire.

“Ah, Jaysus,” the Taoiseach could reply, “that’s a tricky one Des, can I phone a friend for a dig-out? No, not Mick Wall, he’s got me in enough lumber this week and Celia’s no longer in the circle.

“Tell you what, I’ll go 50/50, yeah 50/50 that’s it. I’ll suddenly withdraw fifty grand from the second AIB account and fifty grand from the money we deposited for Mr Wall. What d’ya mean Mick’s money only came to £30,000? How dya know that? Me and Celia’s been telling youse all week, we never bothered counting the bundles of used twenties he plonked on me desk in St Luke’s. Hav’ya not been listening, ya thick?”

“Look, Taoiseach,” Des would no doubt implore, “you have used all your lifelines, and a great deal of your credibility. You asked the audience in May and 41% of them gave you their first preference benefit of the doubt. Now, to stay in the game you must finally answer the $45,000 question…”

But then, you couldn’t make it up, could you?

Yesterday’s long-awaited encounter between the two men showed early promise as they clashed in the manner of rutting stags vying for supremacy within minutes of Bertie taking the stand. But the inconclusive outcome of the encounter left both warily circling each other, probing for weaknesses, for the rest of the day.

Both knowing the winner really does take it all.