Dear Dáithí: Should we tell my dad he’s not driving any more?

Dear Dáithí: "Should we just bite the bullet and say he's not driving any more, or how can we get him to take things down a level or two — for his sake and ours?"

Dear Dáithí, 

I’m torn about this problem for a few reasons. My dad is in his early 80s and is fairly fit — to look at him you’d think he was 20 years younger. But as you spend time with him, you’d definitely say he’s showing some signs of needing to slow down.

We live rural, my brother has taken over the main running of the farm as he lives in his own house on the farm. My family and I are a couple of miles away, and I have my own job, but I do help out at busy times or when some extra jobs need to be tackled.

My dad is supposed to be after retiring but if you turn your back on him, he’s on the tractor or just heading up to tack up a fence or pick up something from the co-op.

He has reading glasses but I’ve seen him cut off a few drivers by mistake lately and he says they “came out of nowhere”, so maybe he needs a new prescription.

He got an awful gash on his temple last summer — he says he was out for a stroll, and there was a branch sticking out. But we have our doubts and reckon he was doing some tasks that he shouldn’t have been doing on his own. It’s healed now, but it took a long time.

We don’t want him to get a more serious injury or cause a bad accident. But it’s a hard conversation to have as he nods and agrees but then goes and does his own thing anyway. And we both have our own families and busy jobs, so we can’t drive him around full time, and he’s always got something on.

Should we just bite the bullet and say he’s not driving any more, or how can we get him to take things down a level or two — for his sake and ours?

Dear Dáithí: "We don't want him to get a more serious injury or cause a bad accident. But it's a hard conversation to have as he nods and agrees but then goes and does his own thing anyway. And we both have our own families and busy jobs, so we can't drive him around full time, and he's always got something on."

This is a very tricky one this week on so many levels, and I have to say I feel for you — including your dad of course.

It’s always great to see our parents reach a good age but with this, sometimes things can get complicated and it can be the case where the child, in this case you, has to become the parent and make sure that everyone in your family is cared for.

As we can see from your letter, this is not an easy job, but it’s a job that needs to be done for all concerned.

Well done, first of all, for noticing that your dad has changed a bit. Sometimes when someone looks younger, things can go unnoticed.

The thing too that happened with your dad, the small accidents are very unusual and therefore have stuck out to you; you are so right to be putting a plan in place now.

I love seeing older people driving, it gives them great freedom and independence. And it’s the way it should be... until it’s not safe anymore, and I think this is where we are heading to now with your dad.

This is where it will get tricky because if the car or tractor is his way around, you’re taking away his freedom. For someone who is very used to this way of life, it can be very hard for them to do without it. So I think you are going to have to put some kind of system into place if your dad is going to buy into it.

Now, he might tell you all to ‘feck off’ and this is where you’re going to have to highlight the dangers to him and remind him of the small accidents that have happened.

What you really want is that he comes to the conclusion himself that he is better off being off the road.

I’d worry about him in a car but also on the farm. We have all heard of those awful farm accidents that have happened, so I think we really need to start on this ASAP.

So back to this system or plan of action; if there are places he goes to on a regular basis, you and your brother will have to be the taxi driver or get someone he likes to drop him off and pick him up — because if he feels like he can’t go places, he might just sit into the car and take off.

I know as you’ve said, you both have very busy lives and will find it hard to find time, but you have to square this circle somehow.

Before you speak to your father, you and your brother need to get together and trash all this out and need to stick together... but you can’t make it feel like you are ganging up on your dad.

Dáithí Ó Sé: "I love seeing older people driving, it gives them great freedom and independence. And it’s the way it should be... until it’s not safe anymore, and I think this is where we are heading to now with your dad." Picture: Domnick Walsh 

He might be pushing on, but he is no fool. I think if you approach him properly, and you both know him the best, you will know how to go about it. I do get the feeling like there might be a push-back at this stage, but that is ok too.

You might just be setting the seed at this point. If this is the case, you’ll have to be more alert than before when it comes to him.

What you could do when it comes to the farm, and this will fall more on your brother, is to make sure that all the farm work — including trips to the co-op — is always done and he has no reason to be doing any of that stuff. Being proactive is better than reactive.

The bottom line here is that you are not trying to be mean, you are only trying to make sure that nothing bad happens to your dad.

As much as we’d love to see our parents out and about, sometimes it’s just not safe in certain circumstances and we are seeing your dad in this light now. And if you’re being very honest with yourself, that is not going to change. It’s going to be like this and will probably get worse.

I know that can be a hard thing to hear now.

That’s why now is the best time to do something about it. If you know someone who has been through something like this, you should ask them about their experience and how they went about it. Of course everyone is different, but it might be a guide for you.

You might have to get a little tough to move things on and that can be a hard thing to do with someone you love so much!

When this is sorted, you will be able to stop worrying as much and you’ll have more peace of mind.