Dear Dáithí: How do I prepare for a visit from a judgemental friend?

I tend to avoid inviting the couple to our home, as I don’t like feeling like our home isn’t up to standard. We have young children, so it is fair to say our home looks lived-in.

Dear Dáithí,

My husband and I are friends with a husband and wife that we meet up with regularly. However, I find the wife is quite judgemental.

I tend to avoid inviting the couple to our home, as I don’t like feeling like our home isn’t up to standard. We have young children, so it is fair to say our home looks lived-in.

My husband invited this couple to lunch at our house next week, and I just don’t know how to prepare for the visit.

While part of me would love to treat it like a visit from anyone else, the reality is I am keen to ensure the house is looking its best. But I don’t know where to start with making it more presentable.

What should I do in such a situation? Should I try to give the house a lick of paint before then, or would it look too try-hard? Are there special touches I can add that will make the house look better?

And what do I even make for lunch that will impress, but looks like I haven’t been panicking about what to prepare since my husband invited them over?

Most weeks I’m here saying things won’t change unless you do something... that’s when there is a problem with something that needs changing.

In this case, you are asking about the house. It’s not the house or your home, to be exact, that need changing — it’s the whole way you are looking at this.

You should do absolutely nothing with your home — don’t change anything. Paint the house when it needs to be done and not a second before. Lord God, you’re not having the Stations in your house.

For example, if you did do something like that now, what would you do the next time she comes over? Have the house reroofed?

You should be proud of your home; you and your husband have made it into a beautiful, safe place where you are rearing your family — and if that isn’t good enough for everyone else, well then, to hell with them and their notions.

You have a house that is lived-in, and that’s exactly what you are supposed to do. There is nothing worse than seeing all these pictures on social media of houses that are spotless and picture-perfect. Sure nobody lives like that in the real world, and all it does is put pressure on the rest of us, so I don’t buy into that. The only thing I would do is give the floors a good mop, and that’s it.

Now, your husband doesn’t seem to see all this in the same light at all and is happy for them to come over and have dinner. Is he aware of what you think of this person? I doubt it, as he probably would not have asked them over.

I do know that men and women see things differently, and he might not see the same ‘issues’, if I can call them that, as you see. I would speak to him about what you think you should do; I do think he’ll get a shock when you talk about painting the house for this occasion. 

Do listen to him and what he thinks, and at the very least, you should step back from where you are and move a little closer to where he is standing. I’d be surprised if he goes for more than having the windows washed, if I’m being honest though.

I would really love to know why you find this woman so judgemental. You meet up regularly, so you must know her quite well. One question I have is — why go so far out of your own way so she might think you’re something you’re not? It’s like you’re trying to please her by painting and all of that, in some way.

We all know a home is about the people under the roof, not all the things they have, and I don’t know where all this pressure comes from to impress others.

So even though you think differently, you should definitely treat this like any other visit, and you should be proud of your home.

Now, if this lady starts giving you an attitude or starts looking down her nose at you, sin scéal eile! You should ask her straightaway if she has a problem with anything, and if so, I would tell her straight up that this is a living house where real people live, and if it’s not to her liking there is nothing you are going to do about it. People will only look down their noses at you if you allow them to, and you’re not going to let that happen.

Back to the person who caused all of this, your husband. What was he doing inviting people over without speaking to you first? He shouldn’t have even suggested lunch in a restaurant without saying it to you first, let alone asking them over to the house.

Because he started all of this, if you really don’t want people over to your home judging you, tell him to cancel the dinner. It’s very simple: people do it all the time.

There really is no point in putting yourself through all of that if you don’t want to, life is just too short for that crap!

That’s my answer. You can have them over, but you’re not going to paint or anything crazy like that. You can clean the house, tidy up, and cook what you like to cook.

Make the dish you think they might like and that’s it, or have a think about it, and if you don’t want this dinner to happen at all, tell your husband to deal with it. While you have his ear, tell him never to pull a stunt like this again and be sure to tell him how you really feel.

If it was me, and I’m after reading your letter there again, I’d cancel. I’d sit back and pour a great big glass of wine for myself and listen to the husband deal with it all!