Dear Dáithí: My husband acts like I'm a dangerous driver

if you had a video on my husband's face when he's a passenger in my car you would think he was in a Grand Prix...  Are all men like this when they're passengers or do you reckon I can get him to relax a bit when I'm driving?

Dear Dáithí: "My husband acts like I'm a dangerous driver. He's giving instructions on the route... to my own aunt's house. He's pressing imaginary brakes if we go above 40kmph. He's clutching that handle above the door like it's the only thing that's going to save him now."

Dear Dáithí, This is a small one that sounds funny at first but it's getting me down now. 

My husband acts like I'm a dangerous driver. I have my driver's licence for years now and have never had a big accident, thankfully. I have scraped a car park barrier (yes, my fault) and once I lost a wing mirror (I still maintain that was not my fault at all). 

But if you had a video on my husband's face when he's a passenger in my car you would think he was in a Grand Prix...

He's giving instructions on the route... to my own aunt's house.

He's pressing imaginary brakes if we go above 40kmph.

He's clutching that handle above the door like it's the only thing that's going to save him now.  I have a pain in my jaw from gritting my teeth when he says things like 'that light's gone red, so you'll need so stop now' or 'you'll never fit through that gap (that a bus has just driven through). 

We are a two-car family at the moment, but he has mentioned that we might go back to a shared car now he's working from home a lot more. But I'm not sure I'm going to cope with that. Are all men like this when they're passengers or do you reckon I can get him to relax a bit when I'm driving?

There are two types of men in this world: men who are happy to be chauffeured around and are delighted to relax in the comfort of the passenger seat and there are men who are driven around with an imaginary brake pedal at their feet and will press it for a red light a half mile down the road.

Thankfully your husband and I are in two different groups. The fact that I don't have to sit behind the wheel of a car at the weekend is just music to my ears. And why would I upset what is a winning formula for me. If herself wants to drive, off she goes and can pick me up from the pub on the way back too... only if she desires.

Let’s get another thing straight here before we get onto the main problem, we have all had small scrapes like what you had. I'm afraid that is just life and once nobody was harmed that's the main thing. And he really needs to get over that, I'm sure he has had a few and said nothing about them.

One of the things is when you have somebody like this acting like Mrs Bucket in the front seat next to you, it’s going to make you nervous, even if you’re not a nervous driver. What he is doing (and for no reason) is putting you off and distracting your attention. I bet when he is not in the car there is no issue whatsoever. And this is now a problem. And because you didn't say something the first day it is now a bigger problem — and as always if you don’t do something about it now it will get worse.

But the real issue here lays not with you but with your husband. It’s simple: he wants to be in control. He is telling you how to drive and giving you directions when you know where you’re going.

'Feck off, why are you being a pain in the hole!' See, you can’t have that conversation when you’re driving because you might even crash as it’s so annoying. So you need to chat in the kitchen or even when the car is stopped and ask 'why are you trying to control this' and 'does he want to do all the driving or what?'.

Now, there might be an explanation, he might have been in a crash years ago and is scared from that. And if that's the situation, he might need help, but this constant badgering must stop.

The fact is that you are a good driver and the real problem here is that he is a bad passenger and there’s no getting away from that. If you were turning the car upside down every week that would be a different scéal.

Here’s how I would approach this dilemma. Start with: "Why are you such a bad passenger and what can we do to help you?" and "Why are you putting your driving experiences onto me, because the current situation is not working out."

The over dramatisation is just too much too so ask him what that is all about. I’m getting annoyed and I'm not even in the car with him.

You also need some ground rules: when you’re driving it’s your rules and the same when he is driving, that’s only fair. Really tell him how you feel when he pipes up. Don’t hold back and make sure he has a very clear picture of what that feels like.

This brings us on nicely to the next part of this, the two-car solution should stay in place until you are happy with all of this. I know it might cost a few extra bucks, but it might be the saving of all of this and might even be used as a carrot for your husband to change his ways.

In other words, if he doesn't change his ways the two cars are staying and it will be costing you both. If this keeps going it could turn into a mental health issue for you because being undermined all the time when driving can be very hurtful. You have seen how it affected you in the beginning and what it’s escalated to now. That’s not going to get any better without doing something about it.

This really is one of those things in life that if you leave fester, it can really get out of control. But the thing is, this is a very common one and, unfortunately from a man's point of view, we are the ones in the passenger seat with all the instructions. But it is very important to see that that’s only a small percentage of men... the rest of us have more cop on!