Dear Dáithí: I might have another chance at love after grief — how do I take it?

"I feel a wave of anxiety and guilt. My wife was the love of my life. How can anyone else measure up?"

Dear Dáithí,

I recently turned 50, and my family all went out of their way to help me celebrate. I am a widower, with no children.

My wife died suddenly in an accident when she was 31. It was such a shock. I still think about her and miss her every day.

The problem — or maybe it’s not a problem — is at my birthday party, I met a friend of a friend, who recently separated from her husband. 

She reached out to me on social media and asked if I was interested in meeting up for a drink. I am a very introverted person, but I must say, I felt a spark with this person.

But whenever I think about saying yes to her invite, I feel a wave of anxiety and guilt. My wife was the love of my life. How can anyone else measure up?

The thought of being intimate with someone after all this time fills me with worry too. Am I being crazy to think I could find love again, is it unfair to this new person to start something I may not be able to finish?

I was really happy to see your letter coming in this week, and the reason why is that I think there are lots of people like you who are in this position and afraid to even think about moving on, not to mind actually doing something about it.

You ask if this is a problem, and the answer is simple; it certainly is not! This is an opportunity to bring some light back into your life. You are not an old man; you are only 50 and have a long life ahead of you. It’s time to start living again.

It does sound like you had a beautiful relationship with your wife and that she was the love of your life. I can only imagine what it’s like to lose someone so special at such a young age, with both of your lives out before you.

You think about her every day, and whatever happens, that doesn’t have to change. 

I think the real issue here is that you might think that you are somehow cheating on your wife by moving on or that you are somehow betraying her and her memory by meeting this new person for a drink, and that’s all it would be at this stage.

The thought of this at the moment is filling you with worry, anxiety, and guilt, and this is what we have to examine and challenge to see why — and also look for the reality in this whole situation.

Feeling guilty, worried, and anxious would sound normal to me at this stage. This is something very new at the moment, you haven’t been here before.

Guilty because you feel like you would be cheating on your wife, but in reality, you wouldn’t be. You probably feel worried because you don’t want to get hurt again, but you don’t have to fall in love straight away.

Take your time, explain to this new lady where you’re coming from; she will understand, she knows the story — she herself has gone through her own pains. 

The anxiety might be coming from the unknown of all of this, the uncertainty of it all. After we look at the worry and guilty part of this, and see that you aren’t doing anything wrong and that you can control the worrying, the anxiety should calm down too.

The exciting part of this letter — the part where even my heart jolted — is recalling the spark you felt. That doesn’t happen without a reason. 

It might be the sign you have been unconsciously waiting for. Again, we need to look at the reality here; it’s only a drink, she hasn’t proposed to you, so you need to dim your lights.

My advice is to go for a drink with her and go with the intention of just having a good time, don’t even be thinking long term here and certainly don’t mention it, you might frighten for off.

As I mentioned, if you haven’t done at your party, tell her your situation, be honest, and you just don’t know what will happen. 

I know you’re anxious about the unknown, but don’t mix up being excited and being anxious; both emotions can feel similar sometimes. Ask yourself what you really feel and why; that is always a good measure.

Some part of you might be worried too about what others might think — really, it’s none of their business — but if this does turn into something, I think you should speak to your wife’s parents if they are still alive and other members of her family.

This is just good common courtesy; they might find it difficult at first, but again, they must understand.

One question you must ask yourself is if your wife would want you to be happy in life, and I think we all know the answer here to that question is yes.

I think it can be very hard for people who are in your situation to even think about that question or to be even in the right headspace to answer it, so someone else has to do it for you.

The cloud of grief can take a long time to move on, and this might to the gale of wind that clears the path.

This new person has taken the first step, so she is interested in meeting you. She is in a different boat as she has recently separated from her husband, but that doesn’t mean that she wants to move on quickly; the reality might be that they have been apart for years.

I know loads of people like this. So, I would go into this with a clear head and a blank canvas. Take it step by step; there might only be one step in it, and even if that’s the case, you yourself have taken a big one!