Dear Dáithí: We don't like my brother's new girlfriend - she doesn't fit in with the family

"What if you brought home someone new and the others seemed cold towards them, and the same sister threw a comment to you, how would you feel?"

Wed, 27 Dec, 2023 - 09:00

Dáithí Ó Sé

Irish Examiner Agony Uncle Dáithí Ó Sé answers your dilemmas - big or small

Dear Dáithí,

My brother started going out with a girl about three months ago. We are a close family and always go to our mam and dad’s house for Sunday dinner.

There’s three girls and our brother, who is the baby — even though at 27 and 6’2”, he’s some baby.

He was going out with a girl since he was 15 and we were all mad about her. She was like part of the family.

They broke up after Valentine’s Day.

None of us really found out the real reason, but I heard it was because my brother cheated on her and she found out. He brought home this other girl to meet us one Sunday about three months ago, and she couldn’t be more different.

This one barely said a word and made no effort with us. She is a bit older than him and was getting him to get her things out of the car. We thought she was bossing him around. We are very protective of him, but we want what’s best for him. My oldest sister made a funny comment about her to him and he went mad.

They don’t come to Sunday dinner now, but he does call in for dessert without his girlfriend and he doesn’t give us any information.

It’s driving us mad.

Your brother is very lucky to have sisters who care so much for him, especially when he’s the baby — a hairy baby, as my mother would say.

I get from your “he’s some baby” that you think he might be a little immature and might need some minding, and that is where you and your sisters are coming in.

You do set a really nice scene with everyone around the table for Sunday dinner. That’s a special time and it’s a shame more families don’t take the time for it.

It seems that your brother’s ex-girlfriend was a part of this for a long time and, again, it sounds like she was one of the gang.

They had been together for over 10 years, which is a long time no matter what age you are.

You’re not sure if your brother cheated on her. You should ask him about it if you really want to know, but really it is none of your business.

I’m sorry if that sounds blunt.

The rumours might be false. If you are going to ask him about it, be aware he might not like it and be prepared for every type of answer.

His new girlfriend is very different because she is a different person.

You all knew his ex-girlfriend so well, this new lady has big stilettoes to fill.

She didn’t say a word because she might have been nervous at the start.

I know I sound like I’m coming down on the other side of this to you, but I’m trying to see the big picture.

When your big sister got involved and threw a funny comment his way in an already tense situation, it didn’t go well.

Now put yourself in his shoes.

What if you brought home someone new and the others seemed cold towards them, and the same sister threw a comment to you, how would you feel?

Would you have gone on the defensive? Possibly.

You think she’s a bit bossy because she wanted your brother to bring her things out of the car, but your brother should have done that before being asked — that’s my opinion, not everybody’s.

She seems to have standards and you must ask yourself, is that a bad thing?

If she is bossy and controlling, then you have a problem. But it’s your brother — and nobody else — that can do anything about it.

Again, I’d ask your brother how they are getting on. He might be delighted the way the relationship is going, and then he might even open up and tell you what happened to the last one.

It’s very clear that you have your brother’s best interests in mind here, and what you really don’t want to happen is for this to affect your relationship going forward.

What if this is the one for him? She’ll be around a lot longer than the last one and you won’t have a relationship with either of them.

She’ll say to herself that those people were cold towards me at the start and that relationship might never warm up.

When you think about it, that’s really sad. Your brother has moved on from his last relationship and so should the rest of the family.

I think you should make the first move now. Invite them both to the next Sunday dinner and make sure they both feel welcome. Your brother seems to really like this lady and I think he would really love this.

She will definitely cop that you all have made an effort.

If it does blow up in a few months’ time, you can say: “Well, I really gave it a go and tried my best.”

I know it does seem that I’m on your brother’s and his girlfriend’s side.

I’m just worried about the long-term effects on your relationship with him, especially if this situation was to last for years to come.

Be careful, but please make that effort and see how you get on.