Dear Dáithí: A loud-mouthed younger guy is making me dread going to work

"It’s a wonder there is any oxygen left in the room for anyone else when this buck starts... if left unchecked, this will kill off the team and any creativity that ye have."

Mon, 11 Dec, 2023 - 12:24

Dáithí Ó Sé

Irish Examiner Agony Uncle Dáithí Ó Sé answers your dilemmas - big or small

Dear Dáithí,

I moved to a new team at work recently and there's one guy there that is making things difficult.

He talks over everyone (he happens to be the only man on this team), and he calls himself the 'alpha male' in a jokey way even though you can tell he actually thinks it... he tells these ridiculous stories about how much he drank at the weekend and how many 'honeys' he met,

He is in his late 20s, I thought that behaviour was a thing of the past... it's so boring and no one is interested but he just ploughs on regardless.

I have been at the company significantly longer than him, but he acts as if he's my boss!

I am quiet but I am not a pushover, I am confident in my work but he speaks up at all the meetings, and our overall boss seems to think he's great.

He makes it sound like he's a one-man team when there are seven of us working on the project.

The team leader just shrugs it off when I bring it up, she says just ignore him.

He is making me dread going to work. How do I tackle this? 

As the Tayto ad once said - there is always one.

This guy sounds like the ultimate pain in the arse, and Lord God, do I dislike those people.

It’s a wonder there is any oxygen left in the room for anyone else when this buck starts, and on that note, there is no doubt that he and his actions are suffocating the whole team - and if left unchecked, this will kill off the team and any creativity that ye have.

This is a new job for you, and supposed to be an exciting time, and I’d imagine if something doesn’t change, you’ll move on.

The problem with moving on because of a situation like this is, that there is usually another, similar, problem waiting for you in the next place, so you need to knock this on the head.

The team leader seems weak, and there is no other way of putting it. There is a problem here, and she is not being proactive, taking you seriously or doing her job for that matter either, but there is a chain of command here and she is the first person you need to talk to.

I know you have spoken to her before about this, and you are the newbie and probably don’t want to look like a troublemaker. Troublemakers cause trouble and you are on the opposite side of this.

Your next contact should be in writing to your leader - this will wake her up, if nothing else.

A casual chat is a different thing, and seems, like the chat suggests, casual! She probably knows about this behaviour, and all you have to say is this not a normal working environment, and it needs to stop.

If you really want to lay a marker down here, I’d set out here what your values are ie, respect, integrity, gratitude and that your value of patience is running out.

This really is you telling her what you are about, and what you stand for. This can be very powerful, and very honest, too.

I’m sure at this point your leader might even start thinking about her own values and she might even stay true to a few of them.

Now, if you don’t get any result here, and I’ll be surprised if you don’t, you need to go to the overall boss, yes, the person "who seems to think" the guy is great. I wonder if he really thinks this.

What you are trying to do is avoid a confrontation, but if you must speak to his guy yourself, you must. If you don’t call it out as it is, it will continue and that’s not good for anyone, the guy included.

You need to be firm, direct, open, not aggressive. Tell him: "This is how you’re acting, and this is what I think of it and stop it’".

He is not the boss, and this is a fact, he needs to be reminded of this. This might even come as a shock to him, and even be the kick up the backside he needs in life.

This is you being in control of your part in all of this, and at the same time, not looking weak.

Guys like that fella love to prey on what they think is weak - the crazy thing here is his own weakness is screaming at me.

We all know people like this the guy who drank 100 pints and 50 bottles of whiskey at the weekend, while having all the 'honeys' he wanted.

Oh yeah, I hear you say, 'Is there anything more attractive than a drunk person? I really want to jump their bones' - stop the lights! It's childish behaviour and never had a place in the workplace or any place for that matter.

It was once tolerated by some people, but that day is long gone. All this guy is doing is giving all those good guys - and there are millions out there - a bad name, so for that alone it pisses me off.

The real problem is, they are like potholes - they are everywhere, but you only notice them when you have driven into one!

I think when you deal with this, you will feel a lot better about going into work. That is an awful feeling to have every morning and it definitely won’t change until it is sorted.

Nobody should have to feel like this. I’m like you, I just want to go to work do my job to the best of my ability, and go home to my family.

Back to what I said about values. They are obviously very important to you, and you must stick to them, I always find by doing that you won’t go far wrong.

You are also at the company longer, and are more experienced than him. You have a lot going for you here, all you need to do now is back yourself.