Dear Dáithí: I'm uneasy about my wife's friendship with her fitness instructor

'When I’ve lightly raised my concerns, she’s brushed them off and accused me of being narrow-minded or even homophobic, which I strongly reject.' Picture: iStock

Dear Dáíthí, 

My wife and I have been happily married for nearly four years. We’ve always trusted each other, which is why I’m unsettled by a new friendship she’s formed.

I’m worried my wife has become too close to her fitness instructor. What makes this hard to process is that he’s gay, which should reassure me — but it doesn’t. After every class, she comes home buzzing, talking about how funny he is, the things they have in common, that they are “kindred spirits”. 

I often hear the same stories multiple times a week. It’s as if I’m not there and my wife is so elated she could be talking to anyone other than her husband.

They share interests like sewing, baking, vegetarianism, and television shows. They exchange gifts, and I’ve found handwritten notes from him in her car. He’s an attractive man; I admit to having a ‘dad-bod’ and can’t help but compare myself unfavourably, both physically and emotionally.

My own attempts at baking have been dismissed as me "trying too hard". My wife has always said that I’m a "meat-and-two-veg" man and I’ve even gone vegetarian to try to find some common ground. This, again, is dismissed as I’m not a "real vegetarian", having eaten meat most of my life.

When I’ve lightly raised my concerns, she’s brushed them off and accused me of being narrow-minded or even homophobic, which I strongly reject.

I don’t know if I’m being insecure or if something is genuinely off, but I feel increasingly uneasy. I’m in a constant state of anxiety, as I love my wife very much, but cannot feel that I trust her anymore. I feel so, so alone.

A flare always goes up in the air when one person in a couple does something out of the ordinary, and, in this case, it’s this new ‘relationship’ — friendship might be a better word to use — that your wife has. Because she hasn’t done anything like this up until now, it feels a bit weird to you.

To be honest, it sounds like it is really affecting you and if it’s affecting you, it will, and probably has, started to affect your relationship with your wife.

The most important thing here is to deal with the facts, but, first, it looks like you need to find out what exactly is going on.

If I’m honest, I wouldn’t take any notice of the good-looking gay fitness instructor. You said you trust your wife and that’s the main thing. Now, because he is gay your wife might feel safe around him and wouldn’t see him as any kind of threat. 

She is happy in the knowledge that he is not attracted to women, so they have become good friends and share a lot of interests. This, to me, is normal. The handwritten letters are a bit strange, but it really depends on what’s written in them.

I think you might be comparing yourself to this handsome fitness guy and feel that he is better than you. You’re like myself: A meat-and-two-veg guy with a dadbod. Let’s be very clear here: Dadbods are the sexiest things and are having a moment in 2026. People just won’t admit it out loud yet! Comparing yourself to him will get you nowhere and it’s not a competition.

Reading your letter again over the weekend, it seems you really have tried to make the situation better. Not easy for a man who likes meat to go vegetarian, and the fact you even tried to bake bread says a lot about you. Fair play — others wouldn’t have bothered. It shows me how much you want things to be right and how much your marriage means to you.

What I really don’t like is the way your wife has pushed all this effort to the side and made small of it. I really don’t like this behaviour. Why would she react like that? She has gone on the offence with comments, calling you "narrow-minded" and "homophobic". 

That is serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. My question for her is: If there is nothing happening with this guy and he is only a friend, why react in such a strong way!

And even if you were being narrow-minded here, you still have the right to ask, if you are really concerned about her friendship. You are anxious and you are beginning to lose trust in your wife. This is very serious, so she needs to start listening to your concerns and stop ignoring them. This is not going to change until she starts taking stock of what she has.

Now, you might be feeling a bit insecure and might have over-thought this and have compared yourself to a fit, handsome man, but you still have the right to ask if everything is OK without getting a half-arsed answer back from the person you love. 

Actually, if your wife really thought you were upset by this, she should have sat you down and explained that she and the fitness guy are only friends and have a lot in common and that he’s a good guy and that’s why she likes to hang out with him. She didn’t have to act the way she did! That’s what I’ve the real problem with.

It’s at a stage now where there has to be a very serious conversation. If this was knocked on the head a few months back, it would have been a much lighter chat, but now it’s ‘show your hands on the table’ time. 

I would remind her of all the efforts you have made and how you felt when she dismissed them. You must also explain you are in a constant state of anxiety and are very lonely and you feel there is a distance between you both. 

She can’t get away with saying you are insecure or lightly dismiss you this time. If she does that you have a real problem and you can’t stop until you find out what is happening.