Joanna Fortune: My son is acting out in creche — what should we do?

If this behaviour is emerging around a particular social task, such as sharing, I would suggest giving him time and approaching this with patience, says Joanna. 

Our toddler has recently started acting out at creche and we’ve been pulled aside twice in the last week to say he’s tried to bite another child in his room.

Up until now, he’s had no problems at all, so we were taken aback by his behaviour. On both occasions, someone intervened before he actually hurt anyone.

He has a younger sister at home and has never attempted to bite her or hurt her; in fact, he’s very gentle with her.

I’m mortified about what happened and, outside of telling him that he shouldn’t bite people, I’m not sure what to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I want to acknowledge how tuned in and attentive his creche carers are to say that they identified his impulse but intervened before he actually hurt anyone, twice.

No doubt, he’s not the first toddler they’ve cared for who has been a biter and I’m sure they have a protocol for responding and troubleshooting such behaviour. I note that they’ve “pulled you aside” to bring this to your attention, but I suggest that you request an actual meeting with them so you are prepared and can also hear them out as to what they suggest you all do to support him through this phase.

Toddlers biting other children is a very common behaviour to see at this age. It’s most often linked to the fact that their language skills are still under-developed, that they are highly impulsive, and cannot soothe themselves when they feel frustrated.

Toddlers really feel their feelings quite strongly, so when they are angry or frustrated, they are highly reactive and likely to lash out physically in some way. It can also be linked to cutting a tooth and the fact that biting into something soft and fleshy feels good on their tender gums. If you think it’s gums and teething, send in a nice cool teething toy that he can bite down on instead of his pals.

When you meet with his carers, ask them to track the behaviour to identify if there is a pattern, such as it happening when he is hungry or tired or before/after a transition from indoors to outdoors and vice versa, or when transitioning from one activity to another. This will help link his overt behaviour (biting) to an underlying physical state (tired/hungry) and emotional state (frustrated/upset).

I wonder if it is the same child that he has been caught almost biting. It may be useful to try to keep them apart as much as possible. This will inform any strategy to redirect and distract him at key high-risk times of his day.

If this behaviour is emerging around a particular social task, such as sharing, I would suggest giving him time and approaching this with patience. Young children find it difficult to share. Children begin to understand turn-taking by around three years old, and they can be guided around sharing by four to five years old, but a true and meaningful understanding of sharing and fairness (in particular the fairness part) doesn’t happen until they are five to eight years old.

Redirection and distraction are the best tools for responding to a young toddler’s behaviours, as you cannot verbally reason with them and their grasp on cause/effect thinking (if I bite, then I will get in trouble) is very much still developing.

Come down to his level, taking his hands in yours, and issue a gentle yet firm “no, we do not bite people”, then move him away from that child and what they were doing, and get him involved in another play activity, staying with him until he is engaged.

I want to reassure you that this is a very common phase young children go through. It will pass as his capacity for language and emotional regulation gradually increases.

He can be redirected and distracted while learning the boundary around “no biting people” and it’s best that you meet with the care team and agree on a shared strategy so he is getting a consistent response from you all.