Joanna Fortune: My granddaughter is struggling since her mum left home 

My granddaughter stays in her room all day with the curtains pulled, we are very worried about her, what do we do?

Joanna Fortune: 'It’s typical for a teenager to spend increasing time in their bedroom apart from their family as they move into their adolescent development' Picture: iStock

My daughter-in-law had to leave the family home four years ago due to alcoholism. I now co-parent the three children with my son. The younger two seem fine but the 13-year-old is really suffering. She stays in her room all day with the curtains pulled. She is a very pleasant child and, when I go into her room, she smiles and says she’s fine. She has had counsellors and a ‘buddy’ scheme. What are we to do, as we are very worried about her?

I’m sorry that your family has been through such a difficult time, and how lucky they are that you could step up to co-parent your grandchildren and provide them with a level of stability. The younger two children were very young when their mother moved out and have spent the greater part of their lives in the care of their father and you. I do not say this to minimise the impact that her addiction, associated behaviour, and departure had on them but it may help explain why they appear to have coped relatively well.

Your eldest granddaughter was nine years old when her mother had to leave. She will have felt this deeply, and no doubt still does. It’s likely that she was also keenly aware of what was happening during what you describe in your longer email as “scenes of severe disruption”. Add to all of this that, at 13 years old, she is now entering a new stage of her development and identity reformation (when a teenager begins to pull away more and explore themselves as autonomous from their family).

It’s typical for a teenager to spend increasing time in their bedroom apart from their family as they move into their adolescent development. You mention that she’s a pleasant child in general and smiles at you, saying she is fine when you check on her. Believe her. Friendship is always important but perhaps never more so than during adolescence, because when teens naturally pull away from their parents and families as the hub of social and emotional development, they need a peer group to lean into to avoid isolation or loneliness.

You also mention in your longer email that her friends’ parents might be reluctant to let their children over to your granddaughter’s house due to the chaos in the past.

It has been four years since her mother had to leave the family home. In the meantime, you and her dad have established security and stability for the children. Could you speak with some of her friends’ parents, explain the changes at home, and let them know that you would love to have her friends over to your house under your supervision?

Beyond this, I understand that your daughter-in-law had to leave the family home and has been battling the illness of alcoholism. You don’t say how she is now or if she is in the children’s lives. A teenage girl will have questions for her mother, and I imagine she misses her deeply.

Is it possible to encourage her to speak openly about this or to explore it with her? I suggest you both consider adolescent psychotherapy at this time. It would provide your granddaughter with a safe space to process all she has experienced in a way that helps her make sense of it at this stage of her development, so that it can inform how she grows and lives without impeding her.

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