Joanna Fortune: Our son isn't settling in school — should we move him? 

People have advised me that it can take until the mid-term in October for students to settle in, but we've reached that point now, and he's still not settling.

Don’t presume another school will bring an entirely different experience, says Joanna. 

Our son didn’t get the secondary school he wanted for first year and, instead, he started in a school in the locality in September. The local school has a good reputation and is very convenient but he cannot settle at all. None of his friends from primary school carried on to the local school; some got places in his preferred school, while others are dotted in other schools. We spoke with the school at the end of September and, to be fair, they have taken action to try to include students in lunchtime activities. However, despite this, my son says he’s very lonely and is struggling to make friends. People advised me that it can take until the mid-term in October for students to settle in but we’ve reached that point now and he’s still not settling. We’re seriously considering if maybe we should look at moving schools. Others have said that some children find the transition to secondary school harder than others, so he might still feel miserable in another school.

When a child is struggling to adjust, as your son is, we tend to advise speaking to the school (as you have done) to observe if he’s spending breaks alone and what can be done to better integrate him within the school community. We also advise that you actively promote and encourage involvement within the school community by suggesting he join an activity within school (sports, drama, debating etc) because going to secondary school is about more than just academics, and the social community aspect of school is just as important for integration.

You don’t mention what it is about his preferred school that caused him to prefer it. Is there an ethos or emphasis on an activity that really appeals to him? I ask because there may well be something in his current school that could offer something similar. Does he have opportunity to meet his friends from primary school through extra-curricular activities outside of their respective schools?

It can certainly take until October mid-term but even up to Christmas to settle into secondary school. Has he mentioned any kids that he is in school with? Is there an option of suggesting he invite some over for pizza and football/gaming/movies in an effort to develop connections with the few kids he may feel (even slightly) more connected to? You mention that you are looking at moving schools, and there is certainly no harm in exploring waiting lists for a transfer to the school he wanted to go to but I would advise:

• Don’t presume another school will bring an entirely different experience.
• If transferring, do so with a plan. Research what is available within the school community, and link with the year head and school guidance counsellor for some proactive supports to ease another transition.
• Ensure his subject choices will be available.
• Continue connection with the kids he knows who went to the school in question. Remember, they will have been there (at least) a term longer than him and have new connections with some kids he likely won’t know.

Transitioning from primary to secondary school is a massive organisational shift for young people at a time of (often) intense physiological and psychological change as they enter early adolescence. There is a structural shift in moving from a singular, familiar classroom to having to navigate a larger environment, making multiple mini transitions during each day. That can be overwhelming.

I suggest you meet with his current school (in-person and with your son if he feels able to participate in such a meeting) and explore the challenges and potential actions that can be explored at this stage of the school year. It is good to exhaust options before you move him to avoid what you worry about in your letter that he might face similar challenges in another school. He is struggling and seems to be carrying the disappointment of not getting into his preferred school with him. If he’d agree to attend with an adolescent psychotherapist/psychologist, it may offer him a neutral space to talk and work through all the challenges this transition seems to have caused him.