Joanna Fortune: How can I have the talk about sex with my teenage daughter?

You will need to enquire if she’s thinking about having sex and ensure she knows how to keep herself and her boyfriend safe. Picture: iStock

My oldest child is 17 and has a lovely boyfriend of the same age. They are madly in love and want to spend any spare time together. In between dates, they are constantly texting each other. We’ve casually met his parents, who are very relaxed about the relationship — he’s the youngest of four.  His mum says she has no issue with the closeness between them as long as it doesn’t interfere with her son’s schoolwork. While I’m delighted to see my daughter so happy, I’m worried about an unplanned pregnancy. How can I have the talk without upsetting her?

I assume you have already had many conversations with your daughter about the facts of life over the years, and what you’re facing now is something more specific and personal. 

This is not about a talk in an abstract way about how unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy and STIs; instead, you will need to enquire if she’s thinking about having sex and ensure she knows how to keep herself and her boyfriend safe.

You mention not wanting to upset her by bringing up the implications of being in a relationship with a boy. She is more likely to feel awkward or embarrassed than upset. To some degree, an element of embarrassment may be inevitable but that doesn’t mean you should avoid this conversation.

I suggest you approach the talk casually and sensitively without springing it on her. You might want to start by stating that she has been in a relationship for some time now and that you can see how much they care for each other and how much time they spend together. 

Then say something like: “I want to talk to you about sex and contraception and how you can keep each other safe. Let’s make time to do that later on or tomorrow.” This way, you are giving her a heads-up that you will be discussing this with her, so she can prepare for the conversation.

When you sit down together, allow her to actively participate rather than giving her a speech or a lecture. It might be more comfortable for her to have this conversation while out for a drive or even a walk together. You will be positioned in parallel rather than face-to-face and that can feel less intense for teenagers.

Don’t make any assumptions. She is 17, and she may not be having, or thinking about having, sex. 

Be calm but clear about what you are saying because, if you feel awkward or hesitant about this chat, she will likely feel the same when talking to you about it.

If she says she is not thinking about having sex and isn’t ready, commend her for this and emphasise that it is important that she never does something she is not fully comfortable doing and that she shouldn’t rush into having sex. 

You could also talk about consent and respect within relationships, which are equally important. Also, be prepared for her to say that she is going to have sex and would like an appointment with her GP to discuss contraception options. 

Reflect ahead of time as to how you will feel if she says this to you because you don’t want her to feel upset during this conversation, and neither do you.

It is essential to keep the doors of communication open on this so she can come to you to talk through aspects of her relationships with you in a safe and supportive way.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]