Your child’s exams are a test of your parenting skills

A teenager studying for their first state exams will already be stressed. Parents should aim to be a calm, helpful counterpoint

Your daughter is facing her first State exam and you, her parent, are the one in danger of losing it. File picture

YOUR 15-year-old is doing the Junior Cert and you can’t stop hovering. 

What’s she studying now? History? But she’s been on the same page for 10 minutes. And is she doing any French? She did so badly in the mocks. Does she even have a study plan? Where are those flashcards you bought her? And is that her phone under her English play?

Your daughter is facing her first State exam and you, her parent, are the one in danger of losing it.

Whether your child is heading into their Junior or Leaving Cert, the parent should be consistent rather than intense, says Eoin Houlihan, guidance counsellor with the Institute of Guidance Counsellors, who works at Firhouse Educate Together Secondary School, Dublin.

“If a teenager feels there’s constant oversight, if they feel policed, that’s where aggression starts. You need to give them space,” says Houlihan, who reminds parents that exams are stressful for students.

Eoin Houlihan: 'The parent has to be an adult: Be calm, collected.'

“A lot of them do care. They have their own anxiety; you don’t have to add yours on top. The parent has to be an adult: Be calm, collected.”

Instead of hovering anxiously around them, ask what they need. “Rather than performance-monitoring — ‘What did you learn there?’ — getting into that intensity, check in periodically, and ask, ‘Can I help you with anything?’

“Pick two moments in a study session where you’ll check in. But keep an eye on it — if they’re already in a flow of study, don’t [interrupt]. If they’re staring into space, a gentle check-in can help them refocus: ‘How are you getting on?’”

Scott Hill, systemic psychotherapist and family therapist, says children move through their developmental stages with little effort or conscious thought, but it is parents who have to adjust. In their children’s adolescence, parents need to move from a training to a coaching style.

Scott Hill: 'Knowing ‘Mum and Dad are with me in the background’ is massive for teens.'

Hill says: “The training parenting style is more pre-teen: You’re teaching, on hand, doing lots of advice and skills-giving. Whereas, with the coaching approach — like the coach on the sidelines on match day — you have to let them play it, you can’t do it for them. At half time, the coach gives a quick team talk and sends them off again.

“Parenting teens, you have to take a step back, encourage from the sidelines, give bits of advice, but not overwhelm with advice.”

Hill, who runs the couple-and-family therapy services at St John of God University Hospital, Dublin, says a 15-year-old may still need some training, but by Leaving Cert, the parent is a coach. 

“Your role is to bite your lip, to absorb and contain the anxiety you feel in the home. If your child says, ‘I can’t sleep’, listen, take it in, let her get it out of herself. Whereas, as trainer, you might have been saying, ‘This is what you need to do’.”

Hill says teens respond better when parents move to coaching style. “Being in the background, asking yourself, ‘What little thing can I do to let them know I’m rooting for them?’ may not get their study sorted, but it will help with their stress.

"Knowing ‘Mum and Dad are with me in the background’ is massive for teens.”

A study routine

Being anxious around exam time is normal, Hill says. “People may think mental health is about feeling happy, but it’s about having the right feelings at the right time, and having the ability to cope with any emotions. 

"Anxiety in the middle of exam [season] is entirely appropriate. Normalise it if your child expresses anxiety. Say, ‘That makes sense’.”

To manage parental anxiety, Hill says let a little time pass if a child has an emotional blowout, misses dinner, and has a bad night’s sleep. “Learn to distinguish between a one-off, 24-hour thing and a pattern over a week or so. Teens have good and bad days, so scan it over a few days.”

Check in with the other parent. “Anxiety can have a bias towards negativity, so it’s good to bounce it off someone else: ‘I noticed this today, what do you think?’”

Houlihan urges parents to separate performance from worth. 

Grades reflect the effort, time, and planning a person puts in to the exam. They’re not a reflection of how intelligent the person is.

It can be challenging for a young person to focus, he says. Putting a regular, stable routine in place will help, he says. “Have consistent sleep and wake times, mealtimes, and study start-and-end times. No ad-hoc.”

For a child who finds it tough to focus, he says offer choices within boundaries: ‘Do you want to revise for 45 minutes or 30 minutes and then take a break?’

“You’re not negotiating on study, but you are giving choice around when the break happens.”

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Houlihan says students can lose lots of time on, ‘What will I do today?’. The parent could offer to help them make a study plan.

“But the teenager owns the plan. Encourage them to name exactly what they’re going to do in the study session: ‘I’ll spend 30 minutes working on algebra’.”

Like Hill’s match analogy, guidance counsellor Gemma Lawlor, of Reach Guidance, urges parents in exam time to see themselves as the producer of an amazing play. 

“Your child has the lead, sole role in the play. Your job is to keep everything running smoothly behind the scenes, to provide whatever’s necessary for them to do the performance of their lives.

“You’re not going on stage; it’s not your show. You’re there to facilitate it happening.”

For parents, this means being aware of the exam date and time and what equipment the child needs to bring.

“You’re in charge of getting them there on time, well-fed, and calm [as is possible].”

And with three weeks to go, she says it is time to work on:

• Good quality sleep — it lets other things fall into place, including good humour and lack of crankiness;
• Hydration — meaning water. Cut out or reduce energy-sapping sugary, fizzy drinks. “With even slight dehydration, ability to focus drops.”
• Nutrition — offer protein at every meal. For example, boiled egg in the morning, a piece of cheese.

How to manage exam stress

Hill has five stress-busting Rs for parents:

Regulate: Work on your poker face, if necessary, but be a steady, non-anxious presence when your teen’s emotions run high. “You staying regulated will help your child feel a bit calmer.”

Relate: Maybe you think the exam isn’t important, but it’s vital to step into the shoes of a 15-year-old facing their first exam. “This lets your child feel ‘Mum and Dad get it; I’m not completely losing it’.”

Reason: “Give advice, question, problem-solve. A bit of problem-solving — in the right order — usually helps with managing anxiety.”

Repair/re-set: You’re not going to always get it right. “Parents need to own their part. Later that day, say, ‘Sorry about what happened earlier, I was a bit stressed. How are you now?’”

Reflect: What does exam achievement bring up for you? This might be driving your push to intervene. Reflect on what’s going on in your life, aside from your child doing an exam. “Acknowledge to yourself ‘the reason I’m not in the best space right now is, for example, ‘I’m worried about my mum’s care needs’.

“Be kind and compassionate to yourself as a parent.”