Tony Bates: Learn to fight fairly and forgive to keep the love alive

"The bond of trust that sustains real, lasting relationships is forged as much in the white heat of conflict as in a passionate embrace."

Little makes us more vulnerable than falling in love. We have met someone we don’t want to lose. Intimacy is also where we encounter our most personal fears and insecurities: We are defenceless. 

However, a close, loving relationship is also the most powerful opportunity we will have to heal and grow.

Shortly after we married, Ursula highlighted some of my shortcomings in the heat of a row. I was hurt by what she said. With as much self-righteousness as I could muster, I protested, “I know what your problem is. You don’t accept me as I am.”

“You’re damn right: I have plans for you,” she shot back.

I’ve never forgotten that moment. It punctured a naïve illusion I’d held for years: When I married the woman of my dreams, she would love me unconditionally, and we’d live in perfect bliss. Surely, that wasn’t too much to ask?

Ursula had no such ‘happy-ever-after’ illusions. She was never going to allow me to wallow, half-asleep, in a world of make-believe. She saw marriage as a way for us both to wake up.

The bond of trust that sustains real, lasting relationships is forged as much in the white heat of conflict as in a passionate embrace. 

Love can awaken our desire to grow, but friction, a clash of opinions on some issue close to home, can show us the direction we need to take to keep the gift of this relationship alive.

Having someone we care about highlight our limitations and bad habits can sting. We may dig our heels in if they do it in a shaming, insulting way. But if the challenge comes with a light touch and with encouragement, we can move towards change.

In a life-giving relationship, each partner supports the other to become their true selves. It celebrates difference, and thrives on honest communication.

Keeping our love alive means learning to fight fairly, being willing to forgive, and being open to see thorny, complex issues from different points of view. 

Above all, it means remembering that what we have is a gift, a gift that will keep giving as long as we trust one another.

Relationships become static when two people get set in their ways, harden their hearts, cling to petty resentments, and resist change. 

And what follows is a tragedy that nobody registers until it’s too late. Because they are strangers to each other, ‘lost in the dangling conversation, and the superficial sighs, in the borders of our lives’, as Paul Simon’s words so poignantly capture.

Two things block us from growing through rough patches. First, we misread conflict as a sign that our relationship is ‘missing’ something. 

We tell ourselves, ‘It shouldn’t be this hard’; ‘Maybe we’re just not meant for each other.’ While this may be a possibility, it’s usually not the issue.

Second, we sabotage opportunities for growth by withdrawing in a moment of intense emotion. Instead of staying present and engaging with a difficult issue, somebody ‘leaves the ring’.

For years, I was that soldier. I avoided conflict and found any rupture in our relationship painful. I hated that Ursula was usually right. 

I was self-centred, unaware of how my behaviour was affecting her, and not pulling my weight in this relationship. Her pointing this out triggered deep feelings of shame and self-loathing.

Over time, I developed a way of staying engaged in the heat of battle. I call it the ‘me first’ approach: I learned to say what was happening to me as clearly as possible in the heat of an argument. 

I began sentences with ‘I’ rather than ‘You’. For example, ‘I find this hard to talk about’; ‘I do not understand what is happening, but want to figure it out’; ‘I’m not great at talking about my feelings, but I’m trying to’; ‘I’d like to understand why we always end up fighting over this issue’.

A lasting, life-giving, intimate bond is an extraordinary achievement for any two people. It involves a lifetime of trial and error.

But if we can remain present and open-hearted with each other, we can get there. 

Our relationships can be life-giving and vital, rather than some miserable charade where we pretend ‘we’re fine’ and hide from each other and the world.