Dr Tony Bates: We are all vulnerable — pain is something we all have in common

Dr Tony Bates: "Being caught in a cycle of pain can be exhausting. We face each day with the best of intentions. We make a list of things we need to do. Given how little energy we have, we keep it realistic. But even the simplest list can feel too much. While the rest of the world is getting on with their lives, all we can think about is the effort it takes to get through the day." Picture: Moya Nolan

Pain has been an important teacher for me. It rumbled away inside me for years. I was ashamed of how emotionally mixed up I was and afraid that people would never accept me if they knew. So, I found the perfect place to hide my pain from the world. I became a psychologist.

People assume mental health practitioners have their inner lives in order. But the truth is, life is very unpredictable for all of us. And no matter what any of us say, we are all vulnerable. Pain is something we all have in common.

Pain is a messenger. It alerts us to something that needs our attention: maybe an unresolved wound from our past or an issue we’re avoiding or not sure how to deal with in the present. It can also expose places inside us where we are shut down, constricted, and half-asleep.

Learning to move towards pain rather than push it away has brought me closer to the truth of who I am and allowed me to connect more deeply with the people I care about. It is a door we are all invited to walk through to grow, to become more fully ourselves.

When pain is intense, all we see is pain. We can’t think clearly. We can’t find the words to express how upset we are. We may feel trapped, convinced that there is no way out.

Pain can be a very lonely experience. We can’t imagine anyone else feeling this bad. We feel different.

There is no shortage of cruel names we call ourselves — ‘weak’, ‘pitiful’, ‘immature’, and ‘loser’.

Dr Tony Bates: "When we first connect with our pain, it becomes even more intense. It can feel like we are bleeding. Our hearts may break, but they also open. As we relax the clenched fist in our minds, emotions that have become frozen begin to thaw and flow."

Being caught in a cycle of pain can be exhausting. We face each day with the best of intentions. We make a list of things we need to do. Given how little energy we have, we keep it realistic. But even the simplest list can feel too much. While the rest of the world is getting on with their lives, all we can think about is the effort it takes to get through the day. 

What helped me most was meeting someone who believed my pain was real, someone who listened and didn’t judge me for being so upset, someone who allowed me to be mad, sad, or scared without trying to ‘fix’ me.

Their acceptance made it possible for me to accept what I found shameful. Feeling cared for and safe made it easier to stop fighting with myself. And when I did, something shifted inside me. I could face what was happening rather than try to block it.

When we first connect with our pain, it becomes even more intense. It can feel like we are bleeding. Our hearts may break, but they also open. As we relax the clenched fist in our minds, emotions that have become frozen begin to thaw and flow.

Intense emotions may need to run their course. Making space for them and giving them room to breathe is helpful.

If tears come, welcome them as a gift. When love is missing in our lives, we build a wall to protect ourselves. Tears wear down that wall. We touch a raw and tender part of ourselves, which is the core of who we are. We also discover an inner strength, a warrior spirit that we may never realised we had.

As the intensity subsides, it becomes possible to ‘talk’ to our pain and become curious about what we are experiencing. We can ‘sit at the edge of our pain’ and, in a soft, compassionate tone, ask:

• ‘What’s happening inside me’?
• ‘What happened that hurt me so much’?
• ‘What could help me to be with this pain, rather than pushing it away’?
• ‘What is this pain trying to say to me’?
• ‘What one step could I take today that might make a difference?’ 

Kindness brings clarity. Being in touch with the heart doesn’t make our problems disappear, but we see them differently. We are gentler with ourselves, more forgiving and can think more creatively about our next step.

Gradually, our distress begins to make more sense. Understanding what happened relieves our hurt or makes it bearable.

At the raw edges of our pain, there is a truth that may be life-changing. When we can open our hearts to whatever pain or problem we have, see it, feel it, accept it, and find the truth concealed in it, that is how we heal.