Dr Tony Bates: We all need moments when life surprises us

Keeping an open mind can be difficult when we get hurt by life’s trials and tribulations, but it is no less important

Dr. Tony Bates. Photograph Moya Nolan

EVERY moment of our lives holds possibilities that can surprise us. Living from the heart means being open to what happens rather than what we think should happen.

Recently, I had a puncture while driving along the Grand Canal in Dublin. Warning lights flashed to indicate the air pressure in my right front tyre was in trouble.

I braced myself in frustration. I had important ‘stuff’ to do. I didn’t need this aggravation. Punctures were something that happened to ‘other’ people.

Fortunately, I remembered a drive-in service for car tyres in nearby Dolphins Barn.

On arrival, I stood around, hoping someone could restore my world to how it was ‘meant’ to be. The longer I waited, the more my mind conjured up catastrophic scenarios that would ruin my day. They would conclude my tyre was beyond repair and so unusual that a replacement would take weeks to find.

A man in blue overalls interrupted my ruminations. He instructed me to move my car to an empty bay, where someone would assess the problem.

The mechanic who served me was a breath of fresh air. As he examined my wheel, he spoke in a comforting way: “I can see this car means a lot to you — we’re going to fix it and get you back on the road.”

A few minutes later, when he had removed the wheel, he pointed out a nail lodged in the rubber. With an irrepressible smile, he said: “Look at this! If you are going to get a puncture, this is exactly where to get it. Easily fixed. We’ll have you out of here in 10 minutes.”

He was true to his word. He repaired my puncture, put the wheel back on the car, and checked the pressure in all four tyres. As I drove away, I felt lighter. A stranger had stepped into my life and hadn’t just fixed my tyre — he had changed my day.

We all need moments when life surprises us. In the poet William Blake’s words, existence takes on new meaning when the ‘doors of perception’ are opened. Or, when, as Heaney writes, the heart is ‘blown open’, and we realise how distracted we’ve been.

Children are born with an innate curiosity and desire to connect with reality. If given half a chance, they live naturally from their hearts. But as we age, we get hurt by life. We become less trustful and cagey in our dealings with others. Openness to the unexpected becomes harder. However pleasant surprises can be, they can also be painful if they catch us with our guard down. For some, it’s better to stay buttoned up, even if that means half-living in a safe hell.

How do we reconnect with and open our hearts? For me, openness begins with bringing awareness to my body. As I write this article, I notice a certain rawness in how I’m feeling. I’m not stressing about anything, but I’m tense, braced for action, not quite at ease. My brain is in ‘fight-flight’ mode, as though something bad may be about to happen.

I find it hard to sit still. All of my life, I’ve quietly rocked myself when I’m not moving. I hide it well, and it’s hardly noticeable. But as I take time to pause and connect with myself, I become acutely aware of what a ‘rocker’ I am.

This behaviour is probably the legacy of a difficult childhood where self-soothing was essential to survival. But as I notice this, I realise that it may be OK to let go of this analgesic finally.

AWARENESS changes whatever it touches. When I pay attention to my body, my defensive mind naturally softens. Gradually, I drop my guard. I see how easily my worries and insecurities are triggered. I smile at how quickly I get locked into small spaces in my mind.

If exercise loosens and energises the body, being mindful helps to relax and open the heart.

There are many ways to reconnect with the heart. We each need to discover what works for us: Spending time with a trusted friend, being in the company of children, animals, or nature, silence, listening to or performing music, reading quietly, and allowing ourselves to be carried into a world of new possibilities can unbutton our imaginations.

Loving or being loved is the most powerful way to open the heart. Do something life-giving for another person, no matter how small, like that tyre mechanic did for me. His everyday act of kindness touched my heart and opened it.

The most life-giving, heart-centred people are those who love or have been loved when they are lost. Often, the person who has been hurt the most can love more profoundly. Because the very thing that shuts down our hearts can be the same thing that helps us open them and love more deeply.

• Dr Tony Bates is a clinical psychologist