Sex File: He has put on weight and now I don't fancy him 

Weight gain, at its most basic, is the result of eating too much and moving too little, but people don't suddenly double in size for no reason. Pic: iStock

My husband is the best man I've ever met, but I don't fancy him any more. He's always been heavy, but has put on a lot of weight and refuses to do any exercise. It's killing my libido, although he thinks perimenopause is to blame. I used to love our sex life. How do we get it back?

The only people we have the power to change are ourselves, and no matter how much you want your husband to lose weight, unless he makes that decision for himself it isn't going to happen.

Weight gain, at its most basic, is the result of eating too much and moving too little, but people don't suddenly double in size for no reason. 

Serious weight gain can often be traced to chronic stress or other changes in a person's life. A Harvard study that looked at post-pandemic weight change in 15 million people, for example, found that 39% gained weight during the pandemic, with one in 10 gaining more than 12.5lb/5.6kg.

Although talking about difficulties with your partner is usually a good thing to do, in this situation it is difficult to find a way for you to communicate your concerns without crushing your husband's self-esteem and damaging the bond between you. 

You write about him with real affection in your longer letter, but you seem to assume that he hasn't noticed his weight gain. It may be a mistake to think that he isn't acutely aware of the issue too.

We are all our own worst critics, and your husband is unlikely to be an exception. Unless you are an incredibly good actress I am pretty sure that he knows that you don't find him attractive right now. 

That can't make him feel particularly good about himself, so rather than focusing on what he should be doing, think about ways that you can make him feel valued. 

You might not feel like having sex with him at the moment and he may feel too self-conscious to even try, but that doesn't mean you can't cuddle and kiss and snuggle up together. Do that enough when you are both naked and sex is an inevitability.

Letting him know that you still love and care for him will incentivise him, and if he becomes a bit more confident he may raise the subject himself. 

Whatever he chooses to do about his weight, you need to find a way to manage your feelings. Losing weight is not often easy, and it is not often quick. 

The recommended amount to lose for sustainable weight reduction is one to two pounds a week, so even if your husband gets religiously into health and fitness it might take months or even years for him to get back to the shape he once was.

You can't ice your sexual relationship until the moment he turns up wearing Calvins and sporting a six-pack, so focus on the positives you have in the present. 

He is still the best person you have ever met. He is still funny. He is still smart and he is still generous. There is just more of him to love.

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