Ask Audrey: The bad air quality in Cork is down to the smell of deep-fat frying off the Norries

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello old stock. Christmas party tomorrow night at work, I’m allowed in as long as I go as Hannibal Lecter on the trolley yoke. The thinking is I won’t be able to do as much damage with my hands tied and a face mask, but I always say never write off Reggie when he’s had more than five pints. One question – will I get in trouble if I sing the ‘cheap lousy faggot’ bit in Fairy Tale of New York?— Reggie, Blackrock

My cousin Fab Ferg is very active in the gay rights movement. (Local politicians are falling over themselves to get in a photo with him. #Woke.) I said, do you mind people shouting cheap, lousy faggot around you at Christmas time. He said, I’m devastated Auds, how would like to be called lousy? #Hilaire

The phones are hopping in my WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Moms Who are Basically Subhuman Until we Have Our First Coffee. A new report claims that Cork has the worst air quality in Europe, even worse than Limerick!! Michelle_VeganTreeLover said it’s all down to our giant 4x4s, so that’s her out of the group and reported to the Cork Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elegant Wealth Generators. Then Lisa_VillaInSardinia put her finger on it – the bad air in Cork is down to the smell of deep-fat frying off the Norries (The woman is a genius, even though she only studied Arts in UCC.) So, we have a started a campaign called Make The Northside a No Fry Zone – would you like to join?

— Fiona, Douglas Road.

My cleaning lady is from the northside, it’s the least I could do. I said, why do northsiders use deep-fat fryers? She said, to shorten our lives. I said, but life is wonderful. She said, not when you’re listening to skinny southside bitches telling you what to eat. #MiaowGirl

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How’re oo’ goin on? Herself is after starting a diploma in Digital Media and Bird-Watching inside in Dunmanway. (The numbers were small so they amalgamated two classes into one.) Anyway, didn’t she come last night and say we need to start using this crack called TikTok to promote the B&B. I said what’s that at all and she said they’re short videos that are popular with young people and immature adults that must have been dropped on their head when they were small. Anyway, amn’t I after borrowing a giant tracksuit from Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Timmy Tim Pat for the purpose of making a short rap video. Could you write me some lyrics?—Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you see a man saying ‘Wossup mammy-f**ker’

Yo Yo Yo, it’s Dan Paddy Andy, Stay in my House, Won’t Cost you a Grand-y, B and B you see, so the breakfast is free, rashers and sausages, milk from our cowwww so, freshly served by herself, with a smile and a ‘Nowwwww So’.

C’mere girl, what’s the story with getting bored in the leaba. I’ve been with my fella now for seven years and there’s zero surprise left when it comes to sexy time. It’s been the same for ages. 1: He tells me he likes my top just as we are going to bed. 2: He makes a huge song and dance about brushing his teeth. 3: He watches 100 Great Liverpool goals on YouTube when I’m getting undressed. 4: Three minutes later, we’re both smoking cigarettes. It’s a dance at this stage Audrey, like the Hokey Pokey, but with more Hokey than Pokey, do you know that kind of way. How can I tell him he needs to freshen it up a bit?— Paula, Glanmire, I don’t think I’m up for an affair.

I said that too. It’s very important to introduce a bit of variety into your sex life, along with a no-stringsItalian student with a bionic tongue. (Ciao Marco, shoulders on him.) Only last night, My Conor turned to me with a twinkle and said I want to surprise you with something dirty and dangerous. I said, is it bog snorkelling? He said, back to the drawing board. (Look, he’s trying. Very trying.)

#Catastrophe in Chez Monica, our 14 year old is refusing to come skiing with us next week, something do with air-miles, carbon and polar bears, as if I haven’t enough on my plate trying to find an ethically farmed organic goose for Christmas dinner. #TurkeyIsForNorries. We can’t skip skiing because Sunday’s Well Tennis Club has a one strike and you’re out rule for anyone who shows the slightest sign of poverty. We can’t leave her on her own, because she’s obviously been infected by communism and we’ll probably arrive home to find the place full of people from the Skehard Road. (!!!!) So, any chance you could you mind her for 10 days?— Monica, Blackrock Road, we’ll make it worth your while.

I never knew you owned a gold mine. Sorry now, but you’re asking me to look after a 14 year old posh girl with a conscience – that sounds like the seventh circle of hell. I spent half an hour with my posh cousin’s daughter in town last Saturday – it was as nearly as bad as playing spin the bottle with Boris Johnson. #IshouldKnow #HesAGoodLaugh

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