Ask Audrey: 'They should call the new tram line the SUAS, when you come from Ballincollig the only way is up'

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Great excitement in Blackrock with the news that we are getting our own light rail system running from here to Ballincollig. Not that we have any intention of going to Ballincollig. (I personally think they should call this new line the SUAS, because when you come from Ballincollig, the only way is up.) But this new line will be a great way to pop into town for a liquid charity lunch without having to listen to Jerry the taxi-driver telling me about his caravan in Garryvoe. Do you know when the politicians are going to get the finger out and build this thing? – Brenda, Blackrock.

Sorry now Brenda, but what I know about politics could be scribbled on the back of a brown envelope in a supermarket car-park. Say nothing. My cousin Aaron the Anorak, on the other hand, is obsessed with politics, his mother is very worried about him. I said, when will this be built Aaron? He said, they’re not starting until 2031. I said, no work at all before then so? He said, well Simon Coveney and Leo are coming down next week to turn the sod. #DejaVu

Anxious times in Chez Reggie. I was listening to the news during the week when I heard an item about a vulnerability with WhatsApp where very bad types indeed can get their hands on your data. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say I’ve shared some tasty stories with Hoggy on the WhatsApp group, Cork Con Legends Who Slept With Your Wife. If Marjorie gets her hands on this stuff, I’ll have to spend another small fortune on relationship counselling. Do you know anyone who can make my data disappear? – Reggie, Blackrock.

What my neighbour Gadget Gearóid doesn’t know about tech isn’t worth knowing. (Neither is he, to be honest.) I told him your problem. He said, so basically you need me to introduce you to someone dodgy on the internet. I said, ah no, sure I have Tinder for that. He didn’t get it. (I’d say he never gets it.)

C’mere, what’s the story with rural broadband? Myself and the old doll were watching the RTÉ News there last night, because it’s nice to know what is going on around the country. (They don’t seem to have heard of Cork.) Anyway, there was this mad looking feen on there saying they were going to spend billions to bring high-speed internet to everyone in the country. Like, what are they doing, encouraging people to go and live in places like Kanturk? Seriously, I was up there at a christening last week, it’s basically Limerick with cleaner toilets. How do I put a stop to this mad waste of money? – Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I’m actually too angry to ring Neil Prendeville.

That’s a first coming from a Norrie. My cousin moved to north Cork after she ‘fell in love’ with a farmer. (200 acres.) I said do you suffer from rural isolation. She said no, unfortunately, my husband is here with me all the time. #BoringBogger

Ciao. I do not like to judge people on their looks, but most Irish politicians are not beautiful. I see them on the posters for the upcoming elections and feel sad, because they have the same haircut as their mamas. (And that is just the guys.) Not all of them are this way – a very beautiful candidate called to my door last night and asked if there was anything she could do for me. I did not reply because Irish people no longer have a sense of humour. But I would like to propose a ban on politicians putting up photos of themselves unless they are at least an 8 out of 10. Is this constitutional? – Marco, Milan and St Lukes

My uncle is an expert in all things constitutional, which is grand until you get stuck next to him at a party. I said, is it a good idea to stop ugly people from running for election in Ireland? He said no. I said why? He said, because we need to find 158 people to sit in the Dáil. #ABitPluggerInFairness

I’m the leading social media influencer in Cork measured by the number of followers who will probably dump me next month for some princess from Montenotte whose father bought her a BMW. #Realistic #Allerge. So, like myself and my boyfriend were talking about this last night while live-shampooing our cat on Instagram, when we came up with a plan. We’re going to have a baby via surrogate, like Kim Kardashian, to let people know that I’m too busy unboxing smartphones on Snapchat to push out a sprog. Do you know anyone who wants to have a baby? – @YouSoWishLike, Douglas, #NoNorries #MightGetTheAccent #HearThemFromTheWomb

It turns out I know someone who wants to have a baby. My Conor. He told me the other night that he’s ready to be a father for the third time. I said ok, on two conditions.

He said, go on. I said, as long as I don’t have to be the mother and your new girlfriend agrees to drop our eldest one to gymnastics every Tuesday. He said he’ll think about it. #Broody