Ask Audrey: Nothing will ever shift the smell of bacon from a Waterford man

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages 

Hello old stock. I got a nasty surprise in the letterbox this morning and to cut a long story short, I have to raise some money sharpish or some jobsworth in the Revenue will finally get his hands on my yacht. (Not that he’ll have a clue how to sail it.) Anyway, I was thinking of whisking Marjorie off to Baltimore and letting out the house to a hurling fan next weekend, as it’s tres handy for Pairc Ui Chaoimh. Which county has the cleanest fans – Tipperary, Clare, Wexford or Waterford?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I don’t think I know anyone from Wexford.

Congratulations. I’d go for a Waterford fan. They won’t have time to do any damage to your house, because they’ll be too busy taking photos of your shower, for the people back home. “You see horse, you stand in dayer under dat bit and the wa-her comes down and takes away the smell of pig offa ya.” Ah stop, I’m only messing. Nothing will ever shift the smell of bacon from a Waterford man.

C’mere girl, I’d a be close to having a banger with me nerves, after my Darren rang to say he’s bringing his girlfriend over for dinner on Sunday. She’d a be from Italy and you know what they do be like, like. Do you be having any ideas for how I might be making her feel at home?

– Berna, Ballyvolane, I do be thinking of serving spaghetti with the roast chicken.

I do be wishing you’d post a photo of it on my Facebook page, Aren’t Northsiders Hilarious All the Same? My Italian Stallion addiction means I’ve met a lot of mamas in Italy. If you really want to make this girl feel at home, then start by shrinking yourself down to three feet tall. (You might be already there — most Norry women are so small, they nearly

belong in the circus.) When the Italian one comes to visit, put on a black dress and shuffle around the table in your slippers, whispering “Where does he find these sluts?” It’s an

insult, like Mama used to make.

Lots of tears here this morning in Chez Monica. We had a spectacular party planned for my Sophie’s 6th birthday here at home, with extra razor wire and all to keep out the kids from Mahon. Then she found out about Harper Beckham’s bash in Buckingham Palace. I tried to persuade her that Harper Beckham would give her eye teeth to live in the third biggest house in Ballintemple, but that went nowhere. So, who do I contact in Buckingham Palace to make a booking?

– Monica, Ballintemple, money is no object, my photo is on the wall in RCYC.

I didn’t know they put up Wanted posters. I rang Buckingham Palace there and asked to be put on to party bookings. The woman said you can’t just book the place as if it was McDonalds. I said there’s tons of money on offer, if you know anyone that might be interested. She said she’d get Prince Andrew to call me back.

How’re oo goin on? Herself is after falling in with some radical supporters of rural Ireland, inside in Schull. Anyway, aren’t they raising money to erect a statue of Danny Healy-Rae inside in the town, and him from Kerry. Worse still, Mick Mike Muggins here has been roped in to star in a video, where a rural man drinks two pints and it doesn’t knock a feather off him. They reckon it will be huge on social media. Do you think I should get my hair cut?

–Mick Mike Mickey, head out from Schull until you spot an elderly man hiding in the gorse from his wife.

Don’t bother getting your hair cut. The correct look for a rural man on the town is a cap, a cleanish pair of wellies and a brown stain over his right eyebrow. You’re probably better off not asking where he got the brown stain. Let’s just say it isn’t Nutella.

Hello from Mayo. Meself and a couple of boys are goin’ to Limerick for the football qualifier on Saturday week and we’re carryin’ on down to Cork, to rub it in after batin’ ye. Do you reckon we’ll have much luck with the Cork birds?

– Fergus, Castlebar, I’m so much crack that I painted my car red and green.

It might look a bit different after three hours parked in Limerick. I asked my saucy niece in Ballincollig what she thought of your chances. She said the only way a Mayo man will ever get his hands on a Cork bird is out by the Lough. I said he’s from Castlebar, where someone won €29 million in the EuroMillions.

She said she’ll meet you outside the Savoy on Sunday week. I said what will you be wearing. She said next to nothing. I said you’re way too easy. She said I’m actually considered a bit of a nun out in Ballincollig.