Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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I’ve been married to my husband for more than 15 years and I think our love life could do with a boost. A lot of the time when we are doing the wild thing, I start thinking about what’s going on in EastEnders. Do you have any recommendations? — Karen, Cashel.

I’m always amazed when people write in from Tipperary to say they get distracted during sex. Come on, it’s not like there is anything else to do up there. I recommend you stop watching EastEnders for a while. There are all kinds of things you can picture to spruce up your love life. Ian Beale isn’t one of them. I’m reluctant to recommend role-play to culchies. I suggested this once to a man from Buttevant and he thought it involved ham rolls. The more you think about that, the worse it gets.

Like, howz it goin babes? I’ve been living in Cork now for three weeks, so it’s time to get my girls down from Dublin and show them how Kimmy is making good with the bog people. Where is the best place for them to like, perv out, on hot Cork men? — Kim, I’m starting to say totally allerge like, girl.

I’d say you’re hearing it from a lot of people too. I’m like totally allerge and I haven’t even met you. In terms of looking at hot Cork men, it really depends on the weather. If it’s raining, I usually stay at home and look at them on Tinder. (My hair is a fright when it gets wet, it’s hardly worth my while heading into town.) If it stays fine, just pitch up in any bar around town and the talent will come to you. Cork men are fools for women with posh Dublin accents. My Conor met Rachel Allen once and he actually started dribbling.

Ciao. In Italy the rule is that you must go on three dates with a woman before she invites you to the bedroom. Is it the same thing here in Cork? And does it count as two dates if I go home for an hour half way through and come back out again? — Gianni, Pisa and Midleton.

You seriously have to wait for three dates? No wonder so many Italian men make the move to Ireland. You’d feel badly done by in Cork if you had to wait for three hours. (I hear that comes down under the 60 minute mark in Mitchelstown.) No, it doesn’t count as two dates if you do a runner half way through. But your question does explain why an Italian I was on a date with last month insisted that he had to pop out for an hour. And I thought it was because I was dancing on the bar in The Metropole singing ‘Push It Real Good’ by Salt n Pepa. You learn something new every day.

Hello. My butler is just back from a trip to your island and tells me that he had a smashing time around Millstreet and Kanturk. Do you think a chap such as myself would enjoy some time in the area? — The Earl of Nobdon, I believe Daddy stills owns part of Mallow.

He’ll have trouble selling it. I should warn you about the dangers of driving around north Cork when you don’t know the roads. One wrong turn and you could end up in Kerry. It isn’t immediately obvious that you have left Cork. Until you come across a man with nose-hair that goes down to his knees. In fairness, they are very welcoming below in Kerry. Particularly if they suspect you have money. And then they’ll be all over you like fleas.

Hey man. I’m a manager in a multi-national here in San Francisco, with most of my awesome team based in our offices in Cork. I’m going to fly over there next week and give those guys a totally cool treat. What would you recommend? — Troy, I just can’t stop smiling.

Maybe you could give them an afternoon off. Seriously, the best thing about growing up here was when the Lord Mayor called and gave your school a ‘halfer’.

Trust me, the only thing that Cork people want more than a surprise halfer is for Donal Og Cusack to fail above in Clare. (We’re fierce bitter.) If the halfer isn’t an option (and I know you Americans only get three hours off a year), then just lay on a free bar. If you want to make this extra awesome, I recommend you make yourself scarce on the night. To be honest, I’d say you’re unbearable, even after eight free pints. (No offence.)

I’m reluctant to recommend role-play to culchies. I suggested this once to a man from Buttevant and he thought it involved ham rolls. The more you think about that, the worse it gets