Sex File: We want to mix things up in the bedroom  

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My wife and I have been happily married for 14 years but have been wondering if we've become a bit 'boring' in bed. We know what works, and tend to do that about once or twice a month, but we'd like to mix things up without getting too risque. Where do we start?

That you and your wife are questioning your routine means you have already made a start. Making the decision to change things is half the battle, and it's fantastic you are both in agreement. 

Many couples who have been together for 14 years stop making an effort to keep the love alive and their relationship suffers as a result. In the same way your windows need a coat of paint every spring or your car needs an annual service, your sex life needs an MoT too. Doing the same thing year in year out is not enough. Do nothing actively to make your relationship better and it will get worse.

Having said that, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Data from the most recent National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal 3, 2019) in Britain showed that for men aged 35-44, the median number of occasions of sex in the previous month was three and for women in the same age group it was two. By those standards you are doing pretty well, so I wouldn't put yourselves under too much pressure. 

I would suggest sticking to the rhythm that you already have in place and then aim to add one or two novel sexual experiences to your routine. If you are going to set targets it is better to keep them low and exceed them than to be too ambitious and then feel you have failed if you don't achieve them. Planning is also good.

Getting things in the diary and working things out in advance ensures that things actually happen. It also creates anticipation, which is a key component of sexual pleasure.

In terms of making sex more interesting, you need to work out what you are interested in and where your boundaries begin. You seem to be clear about what you don't want, but you need to be just as certain about what you do want, so I would suggest doing some research together. Taking a collaborative approach to the discovery process will ensure you are both comfortable with anything new that you decide to try. Books can be helpful and, though I say so myself, my book The Sex Book (available on Kindle) is still one of the most comprehensive and beautifully illustrated guides to sex that you will find.

When couples think about making their sex lives more interesting, they usually think in terms of external changes such as dressing up, role play, toys, props, porn or positions. They rarely think about the power of digging deeper into the sexual connection that they already have. Your mind is your most powerful erotic instrument and sharing your innermost thoughts and desires with each other is often the fastest way to unlock a more authentic and intense sexual experience.

Exploring things that you did in the past and the way that those events or encounters made you feel can create a much deeper level of intimacy.

Last but not least, don't forget about romance. Sex used to come gift-wrapped in roses and affection, but porn has reduced it to its most basic components. What a great loss that is for all of us. Sex is important and you are right to prioritise it, but love puts the magic into lust, and one without the other is only ever half as good.

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