Diary of a Gen Z Student: Why are dating apps full of swiping with no real intention?

Jane Cowan: 'You want to see what’s out there. You also don’t want to waste a Friday night on Daniel whose profile says he ‘would fall for you if he tripped’.'

Last week, I spent a sunny afternoon speaking to a friend about the utter torment of the dating landscape in your early 20s. No one knows what they’ll be doing next week, never mind what they’re looking for in a relationship.

The reality is most people in their early 20s will avoid commitment like it’s their job. And I get that. You might want to move to Australia next year, or apply for a master’s abroad. 

Because the best part about being 22 is the freedom to do whatever you decide. That’s the crux of our dating problems. No one wants to sacrifice that freedom prematurely.

Sure, everyone is on dating apps, but let’s not be naïve about this. It is not for love that one makes a Tinder profile. And not just for sex either, you filthy-minded so-and-so. Plenty of dating profiles are for market research more than anything. 

Half of my friends who are on dating apps have never actually gone on a date from one. Even if you despise the idea of the apps — which most of us do — you’ve just got to keep your finger on the pulse.

I’m not proud of it, but woman enough to say it: sometimes, I’ll download a dating app for a day or so just to remind myself what it’s all about. Once I’ve received enough likes to remind myself that I’ve still got it, and enough odd messages to remind myself that maybe life would be simpler if I didn’t, I can swiftly delete the app and return to my life of peace.

I will then do things like Google ‘convents near me’ and write columns theorising all that is wrong with modern dating. It’s a tough balance to strike. On the one hand, it’s important to keep up with what’s new in dating, or seeing people, or whatever it is we’re calling it now.

You probably feel you’re too young to accept spinsterhood. On the other hand, you’re too old to be pretending you care about the pineapple on pizza debate for a man that’s not sure how to boil an egg. And where do you go from there?

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That precise situation, my dear readers, is what brings young people to what I like to refer to as dating app purgatory. You want to see what’s out there. You also don’t want to waste a Friday night on Daniel whose profile says he ‘would fall for you if he tripped’. 

So, you’re just swiping through potential suitors with no real intention. Scrolling through a dating app can feel a little dystopian if you think about it for too long. Reducing a person to three generic prompts and a handful of photos. 

It’s almost like the ‘New in’ section of ASOS, except boys don’t come with customer reviews (lucky for them). And skirts are much easier to return to sender than people. It’s an unfortunate situation, really.

It’s not easy on anyone. Most of all, though, I pity the boys who don’t at least get the consolation of discussing their dating app endeavours at length with their friends.

I don’t know what goes on during boys’ night, but I imagine it as a series of grunts and smashing beer cans into each other’s heads.

That wouldn’t leave much time for vulnerable conversations about their feelings. Or motivational speeches from your friends about what you should be demanding in a relationship. I don’t know how they live like that.

Because the best part about using dating apps, in my mind, is talking about it with the girlies. Sitting around with pizza and a few glasses of wine, while you curate your friend’s profile, finding your favourite pictures of each other, coming up with the best answers to prompts, and drafting messages to potential matches. 

Then you squeal and jump around the room, as you brutally interrogate every man’s dating profile. 

Seriously, I don’t think a man has ever said anything in my presence that hasn’t been relayed to the girls later on. And that’s fairly universal.

Maybe that’s what puts half of us off actual commitment, or seeing the guys on dating apps as separate from an ASOS skirt. What happens if things start to go too well? You both admit you like each other? 

You keep seeing each other? What will I have to talk to the girls about then? How much I like someone? How boring! Complaining about men is one of my love languages. I’m just not ready to give that up.